Connecting

We had a really busy summer.  August, which feels like ages ago now, was almost filled to the brim with camping or getting ready for it.  We had more nights under canvas than at home.  But rather than feeling like it was an out of control frenzy it was all rather relaxed and immensely enjoyable.

In the depths of winter it is really difficult to say no to opportunities that will take us camping.  Despite my best intentions I have often ended up with a really full diary for the six weeks that the UK schools are on holiday in the summer months.  In past years the weeks we were at home would be business as usual, going out to our groups, meet ups and other activities, and in between shoehorning, not very successfully, preparation for going away.  It was all rather stress inducing.

I remember, when I had not long entered the world of work, many colleagues moaning about how they hated their jobs.  My naive twenty something self often wondered why they didn't just look for another one.  But there is something reassuring and comforting about the familiar even if we don't really like it.

I know that I have always had in the back of my mind a time when I was at home so much it became overwhelming.  A very young baby and giving up work to enter our new venture into officially home edding my eldest, I had yet to find my way around the home edding community, it was really isolating.  But tipping the balance the other didn't work for us either.

So when I realised that we had nothing in the diary for the weeks in August we were to be at home I didn't, for once, try and pro-actively fill them.  I went with the flow choosing whatever came up that would work for us all.  That relaxed planning meant that I was able to get ready really slowly and steadily and that when I got to where we were going I was relaxed.  Many a time I have been away on 'holiday' only to feel like I need another one when I get back!

We have visited some beautiful parts of our country.  We spent time walking, talking and admiring the views.  We had one day of rain the whole time, now don't get me wrong I don't dislike rain but when you are camping it can be really hard work.  It didn't matter how long anything took to do, well most of the time, there were a few occasions we had to be somewhere at a certain time.  When we got completely soaked one evening cycling to meet with a group I managed to turn it into an adventure, one which we laughed about later.  We lived in the moment, connected to each other and our surroundings.

Now that is all over I am also glad to be at home.  For the first week I didn't look for activities to fill the diary.  I did worry that the 'we are staying at home today' answer to 'what are we doing today' would be met with frowns but not a bit of it, not even this far down the line.  We were far too busy in our rhythm by end of July, one group has finished completely and another has yet to start yet, this feels so much better, for now.  I am sure it will change as it always does but I do need to gently remind myself to keep space in that rhythm for nothing planned.  It is no good keeping your head above the water if you not able to swim gently but are struggling to remain afloat.

Community

Last week we were camping with a group of families who come together every year to celebrate midsummer, we have joined them for the last three years.  Each time I come home and ponder over this wonderful community that I immerse myself in for a few days each year.

Whenever I watch or read about communities or tribes who live simple lives with lots of other families, sharing the tasks required to raise their families and sustain their lives I wish I had been born into their lives.  I cannot fathom why my society feels that this way of life is somehow backward, primitive and worthy of the label second or third world.  Looking at this way of life from our own is to do so through the wrong kind of eyes.

We have water on tap, we don't have to walk for an hour to fetch it but to think that this is arduous and time consuming is to misunderstand a completely different way of life.  This time gives those that walk to fetch it a chance to take a break from what ever else they have been doing, they can talk and chat as they walk, putting to bed their troubles and worries, sharing ideas, perhaps noticing sources of food if they live a hunter and gather way of life.  The water tap when camping was a long walk away my storage container small I had to make the trip often but it never seemed a chore.  We are slaves to time, something I have written about before.  But if you don't live by your clock, but by the sun does it matter how long something takes?  How wonderful to not be ruled by time or the clock.  Whilst I was camping I rarely looked at my watch.  I  didn't need to know what the time was, we ate when we were hungry and went to bed when we were tired.

But the most significant and wonderful aspect of the camping was the community.  We came together to celebrate the midsummer and we shared.  We shared food coming together for some of the meals, we shared crafts and most importantly we shared the care of our children.  Without ever having to discuss it the children always had a adult nearby either at the tents or at the beach (where we all felt it appropriate for an adult to be if the children were there).  We weren't watching over them like a hawk but were there in the background keeping an eye out and able to help out if there was a problem or a hurt.  Most of the time I had no idea where my children were but as I knew that they would always be with someone (another 'rule' we had, don't go off alone). I never worried about them and I always knew that if I had to go off for water, washing up or whatever, that there would be someone else to care for them in my absence should they return to find me gone.  The way we live our lives is so artificial.  As isolated family units with the parents responsible for all the childcare, usually the mother for most of the day.  This is incredibly hard work.  The village I live in is a link back to the past in our own society with extended families remaining in the village and all of the individual families taking responsibility for each others children.  This is not without its own local pitfalls but as a premise it seems far better than the way most of us find ourselves living.  The community doesn't need to be based on family, for me I would want to be part of a community of like minded individuals whose vision of the community values are similar to my own.  I had a taste of that last week and boy would I love it to continue as I return to the madness of clock watching and my isolated family unit.

What about you?  Have you experienced community living?  Are you part of a community or want to be or would it be your worst nightmare?

Peace

I have been reminded this week how lucky I am to live in a country that is not at war with itself or any other country.  Despite being a work of fiction, The Beautiful Truth set in modern day and wartime Poland, has been well researched and paints a vivid picture of life for ordinary Polish people trapped in their occupied towns and cities.  Many resisted the occupation, life must have been one of constant fear and hardship.  No one talked about the Second World War when I was a child, I did not study this period at school, it is only since having my own children that I have come to know anything about this period in history.  The more I read and learn about the war the more I have come to understand why no one wanted to talk about it.  I cannot imagine what it would have been like to have been alive at that time.

When you look further back in history we were a country often at war with others.  We had a huge navy and were often sending great warships off to battles.  As I walked round the HMS Victory this week it is really hard to imagine 800 men living and working in such a small space.  The noise, in battle, must have been overwhelming, especially for the younger members of the crew probably aged around 12 who may have been at sea for the first time.  The number of men who died on ships such as these must have been huge and there is a reminder of this in the Mary Rose Museum.  Whilst the remains of the ship is on display, for me it is the artefacts of life on board that are more interesting. The loss of life on this ship was huge, it sank close to the harbour bounds, and though life was lost it was preserved in the mud and has now been painstakingly preserved.  We will never understand what it was really like to live and work on such a ship, the noise the action, have been sunk with the ship.

I have noticed this week, whilst being away from home that I have less 'noise' in my head.  I am thinking, always thinking about what we are going to do on that day, the next, food, washing, jobs I need to do round the house, activities to do with the children and so it goes on.  It is distracting, it stops me sleeping but not this week it has all gone quiet, if only I could find a way to turn it off or down at home........the peace is wonderful and relaxing.

Some of the noise going round in my head lately has been my thoughts on education and the future of my eldest.  I have been trying to identify why and what it is about secondary education in Britain that I am not happy about, writing it down has helped to make it clearer.  I have made some peace with my thoughts this week following a discussion with my parents.  I had thought that they were totally opposed to me continuing to home educate the children beyond primary school age, but after discussing with them my thoughts and what outcomes could and need to be achieved they have changed their minds and are in total support of whatever I do.  I know that in the back of my mind this was bothering me, I would have taken the decision based on my eldest's needs not what they thought.  But I know that if they had not been supportive it would have been harder for me and I would have felt that I always needed to justify what I was doing.  I still need to give this more thought but my head feels a lot clearer now and I still have plenty of time!

What do you do to find peace?

Roaming

Welcome to the February 2014 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Fears

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared stories and wisdom about parenting fears.

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I wonder how many times you have read or heard words along the lines of, children don't play outside as much as they used too or we had so much more freedom when we were kids?  Familiar?  Ring true with you?

I played out a lot as a child, we had a large garden and lived on a road that was quiet, few people owned cars and we played in the street after school, at the weekend and during the holidays.  As we got older we roamed away from the street and wandered far.  There were no mobile phones but we always had a bag of small coins so that we could make a call from a phone box if we needed to.  As a teenager if I went out at night I had to be home by a pre agreed time but if I wished to stay out later I could ring home and negotiate to stay out later, provided my parents knew where I was, they usually agreed.  As a child I gave little thought to what this meant to my parents other than I never felt that they were restricting me or had what I felt to be unfair 'rules'.  It is only since becoming a parent myself that I have fully understood and am in awe of the freedom that they gave me.  Could I as a parent do the same?

The world I grew up in is different to one that my parents grew up in and so is the one my own children are growing up in.  There were no mobile phones when I was a child but as they were not part of anyone's life you couldn't possibly miss them.  But does having a mobile make a difference to ones decision making or does it make it harder, it is easier to stay in contact but what happens when you can't.  Has all the connectivity we have actually made it harder as a parent rather than easier, the silence is deafening and scary rather than business as usual.

The media would have us believe that the world is a place fraught with dangers. They would have us believe they are commonplace, far more so than they were in the past.  I cannot reconcile myself with that view of the world.  News travels fast and is easier to 'publish' to the world, instantly at the click of a button.  Have things changed or do we just know about more goings on now.  Would it be better if we didn't?

My children are still fairly young, at the moment they don't have a desire to venture far from me or their father.  But there have been a few occasions where my eldest has gone out of my sight.  Each time this has been at his request and we have discussed it.  This has felt totally natural, as I expect it was for my own parents.  He has yet to request this in a situation that I have not been happy with so it remains to be seen how I feel and react then.  I have come to realise it is impossible to know.

To give a child any degree of freedom I believe requires one to trust, that may seem obvious.  But I also believe that it is not possible to trust anyone if you don't believe and trust in yourself.  It also requires you to care, there are sadly many children who are given so much freedom that they don't know what to do with it.  The freedom is often from neglect.

It is a balance, I believe, between staying safe and trusting, between protection and over protection.  It's a fine line sometimes but one that I hope will feel right and stay instinctive for years to come, even if comes with the worry that mothers feel.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants (list will be final around 5pm PST February 11):

• When Parents' Fears Escalate — If we didn't self-doubt, we probably wouldn't care enough about our children to struggle with understanding them. But how do we overcome self-doubt? Read advice from Laurie Hollman, Ph.D., guest posting today at Natural Parents Network.
• What ifs of addiction — After seeing how addictions of adult children is badly hurting a family close to her heart, Hannah at HannahandHorn shares her fears for her own child.
• Sharing My Joy — Kellie at Our Mindful Life shares her fear that others think she is judgmental because she makes alternative choices for her own family.
• Building My Tribe Fearlessly — A meteorite hit Jaye Anne at Tribal Mama's family when she was seven years old. Read the story, how she feels about that now, and how she is building her tribe fearlessly.
• Fear: Realized — Laura from Pug in the Kitchen shares how her fear of car accidents was realized and how she hopes to be able to use her efforts to overcome the remaining fears to help her children overcome their own.
• I'm a Negligent Helicopter Parent — For Issa Waters at LoveLiveGrow, the line between helicopter parenting and negligent parenting is not so cut and dried.
• My Greatest Fear For My Child — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama admits that she has struggled with not allowing her fears to control her and how the reality of this was blown wide open when she became a mother.
• Procactive Steps to Calm Parenting Fears — Every parent has certain fears related to dangerous situations, That Mama Gretchen shares ways she is preparing herself and her children for emergencies.
• Homeschooling Fears – Will My Children Regret Being Homeschooled? — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares an interview with her now-adult children that answers a question she had throughout their homeschooling.
• An Uneasy Truce — Homeschooler and recent convert to unschooling, Tam at tinsenpup shares just a few of the things she tries to keep in mind when fear and insecurity begin to take hold.
• Fearing the worst, expecting the best — Tarana at Sand In My Toes writes about fears that come with parenting, and why we must overcome them.
• Can I be the parent I want to be? — Amanda at Postilius confronts her struggle to peacefully parent a preschooler
• Out of Mind, Out of Fear — How does Jorje of Momma Jorje deal with her pretty steep, long-term fears regarding her son's future?
• I Don't Homeschool to Manage My Kids' Transcripts — One of Dionna at Code Name: Mama's fears of parenting is that she will get so caught up in the monotony, the details of homeschooling, the minutiae of everyday life, the routine of taking care of a household - that she will forget to actually be present in the moment with her children.
• Beware! Single Mom Camping — Erica at ChildOrganics shares her first adventures as a single mom. She laughed, she cried, she faced her fears.
• Parenting Fears And Reality Checks — Luschka from Diary of a First Child shares her three biggest fears as a parent - that most parents share - looks at the reality behind these fears, and offers a few suggestions for enjoying parenting.
• Parenting fear : to kill a pink rabbit... — Mother Goutte tells us the story of a pink rabbit that disappeared, came back, and became the symbol of her worst parenting fear...
• Roaming — sustainablemum considers whether allowing your children freedom to explore the world safely is harder now than in the past.
• Meeting my parenting fears head-on — Lauren at Hobo Mama had many fears before she became a parent. Learn how they all came true — and weren't anywhere near as scary as she'd thought.
• Don't fear the tears — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger worried that letting her children cry when going to sleep was tantamount to the dreaded parenting moniker, CIO. She discusses what actually happened after those teary nights, and how she hopes these lessons can carry forward to future parenting opportunities.
• Will I Still be a Good Mom? — Mercedes at Project Procrastinot worries about her mothering skills now that breastfeeding is no longer the top priority.
• Pregnancy Fears: It Happened to My Sisters, It Will Happen to Me... — Kristen at Baby Giveaways Galore discusses the difficulties with pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding that the women in her family have had and how she overcame them.
• Fears — Meegs at A New Day talks about how her fears before parenting led to a better understanding of herself and her desires for her daughter.

Strength

I often think about what my grandparents would have made of the choices and decisions I have made as a parent, sadly they all died before my children were born.  Would they have tried to impose their own views on me, would they have disapproved of what I am doing, are the choices we make when raising our children the same for each generation despite the different times we live in.

I was fortunate to know one of my great grandparents, my great gran was alive throughout my childhood we visited her often and I knew her well.  She was born in the 1890s which was a vastly different world to the one I grew up in and the one my own children are growing up in.  My granny, her daughter, was born at the end of WWI, my own mother her daughter at the end of WWII, they became mothers at the ages of 23, 25 and 26 respectively I waited until I was in my thirties.  All of these women gave up working when their children were born, they were expected to stay at home with their children and there was no such thing as maternity leave, my mother returned to work when my youngest sibling started school.  Do all these differences make us different parents?

I remember, when I was in my early twenties, staying with someone who was pregnant she was talking about co sleeping with her baby and that it was unusual in mainstream British society.  I talked to my mother about it and discovered that I had co slept with her for the first three years or so of my life and then I shared a bed with my brother.  My granny had done the same with all of her four children for the first months and years of their lives, they had a big family and very little room so it was practical for them on many levels.  It is what my mother knew so even if no one was doing so when she became a mother it was natural for her.  She didn't bat an eyelid when we did the same.

We have decided to home educate our children for now, a decision we did not take lightly.  I was worried about telling my mother especially as she had taught in primary schools for twenty five years thankfully she was totally supportive and informed me she would probably not send a child to school now either, she also told me that my great gran had fought with the authorities not to send her children to school until they were at least seven as she felt they were too young at five!

It is hard to know about the day to day parenting, how they spoke to their children, how they treated them, were they gentle, kind, considerate mothers or did they see their children as a nuisance and ignored them, were their children expected to be seen and not heard, were they deemed good if they behaved well (translates as doing what they are told all the time).  What I do know is how I was raised and that my mother does not intrude into the way I parent if she does not agree with what I do she does not tell me just lets me get on with it.  This could of course mean that her mother did and she hated it, I would prefer to think that this not the case that the women in my family have been and are strong mothers.  I don't mean in the physical sense I mean that we know our own minds and parent as we see is right rather than following the crowd because that is how we have been raised.

The challenge is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you like everyone else

To raise a child to be an individual is hard work.  To raise them to be able to walk in the world as a confident person takes effort.  I am extremely fortunate to have been raised in such a family and I hope I can do the same for my children to continue in the path of my ancestors.

Trust

I attempted to walk in to my eldest's bedroom the other day but stopped as I decided it would be too uncomfortable for my feet.  The carpet had morphed from a lovely wool one to one of Lego, it was completely covered.  I walked away more than slightly baffled as we had been away for almost a week then I remembered for two of the days just before going away we had the same two children over to play.  Two children who never fail to make my house look like a whirlwind has been through,  almost every toy my youngest owns, which is not a huge amount were out on her floor at one point whilst they were here.  Whilst my children do scatter items all over the house it is never a huge volume, they play for hours, sometimes days with the same few toys these same two children flit from one thing to another not really settling and well, making a huge mess.  We have recently spent a few days away with this same family and I have now come to realise why these children play as they do.

As parents we are raising the next generation giving them the skills to go out into the world and stand on their own two feet.  As humans we have one of the longest periods of development to this stage in the animal kingdom so we have plenty of time to get it wrong right, if we know what is right that is, there are no opportunities to turn back the clock and do things over again.  But that does not mean that we should give up hope that we can ever do a good enough job provided we do learn from our own mistakes and not end up sounding like a stuck record which is what I listened to for so much of my time away.

To trust your child is, in my opinion, one of the hardest aspects of parenting and one that can only come from trusting yourself.  If you yourself were not trusted as a child then it makes trusting others very difficult.  If I had a pound for every time I have heard it said of a child, but I can't trust them I would be a rich lady now.  Hearing these words always makes me sad, sad for the adult speaking them and for the child they are speaking of.  Trust is not something you can teach children, they have to learn, they have to be given the space to get on with their life but within the safety net of you as a parent.  If you keep the net too tight, too restricting then the child will most likely react.  How they react will differ from child to child, they may be aggressive physically or verbally, run away from you constantly, feel like they never listen, be destructive, either way their behaviour is likely to challenge you, probably to tighten the net further still.  So a tight net is one, for me, that makes for difficult listening, of frustrated children who are unsettled and maybe destructive and how these two children behave most of the time.  They are not trusted and that makes me sad.

Authenticity

Welcome to the January 2013 Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Authenticity

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting and Living Peacefully with Children. This month our participants have written about authenticity through character, emotions, and establishing authentic communication with their children. We hope you enjoy this month's posts and consider joining us next month when we share about Honesty.

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Sometimes the words won't flow, they get stuck, trapped by an invisible gate or are jumbled up like a pile of clothes waiting to be washed.

Sometimes the words are not there.  There is nothing to say.  I listen intently but I have no reply.

Sometimes the words come fast.  So fast they are tripping over each other.  I stop listening and out they pour out one after the other.

As a child, I have been told by my mother, I spoke little in my first school until about the age of ten.  I have no memory of this, my memories of this school are good ones, I enjoyed my time there, I was allowed my silence, my quiet.  Not so at my next school, I was not happy to be there with teachers who spent an hour a week with you, who needed you to speak, to hear your words to check your progress.

I joined the workforce and loved my first job.  I was valued, respected and trusted.  I moved to another and hated it.  I vowed I would never stay in a job which I did not enjoy, where I was not valued, respected and trusted.

Now I am doing the most difficult, unpaid, job of my life as a mother.  Never before have I been so bombarded with information and advice even when it has not been asked for.  It has been hard to stop the flood, to dissect the words to find the ones that I want, to be a parent who is respected and trusted by my children and for my children to learn these important values.

I know I can listen, but am I always present? Can I wait to hear what my child needs and wants to tell me, it's easy to stray, to have your mind elsewhere planning and thinking.

I try to be mindful with my words, to speak as I would be spoken to, but sometimes those words flow out fast, without thought, they hurt and I apologise for I am wrong.

I have to trust my children, to allow them to be themselves, so they can walk their own path not mine, they can lead not follow.

I want the best for my children but I have to let them develop and learn at their pace, if I dictate the pace I am measuring them up to my standards.

I am trying to foster respect and trust through love and kindness, not control.

This is me.

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Visit Living Peacefully with Children and Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in next month's Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival!
 
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon January 25 with all the carnival links.)

• Remaining True To Yourself While Parenting - Authentic Parenting compares Western Child centered parenting with African parenting and discovers some ways to maintain your authenticity.
• Honoring My Forgiving Heart — Destany at They Are All of Me writes about how honoring her forgiving nature allows her to break down emotional barriers and allow her to more fully connect with her children.
• Sincere and Credible — Mari from Honey on the Bum uses the definition of authenticity to relate what it means to her and her parenting style
• Being Authentic — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog ponders how to achieve authenticity when there are cultural, community and family expectations to take into account...
• Authenticity — Sustainable Mum shares how her values have been shaped through life and are now the basis of how she parents her own children.
• Authenticity through Consensual Living — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children challenges parents to push past socially learned reactions in order to foster authentic interactions with their children.
• Authenticity Through Emotions — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares her belief that being a truly authentic parent means allowing and supporting both her daughter’s emotions and her expression of them but also her (Jennifer's) own emotions.
• Authentic Grief — Erica at ChildOrganics talks about not shielding our children from the topic of death and dying. She shares how being open and honest on the topic can help our children grow to be healthy well-adjusted adults.
• Authentic Teaching, Authentic Learners — At Surviving Mexico, Survivor shares how learning how to be an authentic teacher was something she discovered rather than learned.

Less

I have just finished reading a book that I found reassuring, inspiring and thought provoking.  Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne was a book that I kept seeing mentioned on blogs and a forum that I visit.  It was always praised and being recommended as a book to read.  As someone who is trying to simplify our lives I wanted to read a book that promotes less is more.

It was reassuring to read about things that I am trying to implement in my family's life.  I have been going steadily through our stuff over the past year, decluttering and reducing.  I have introduced a rhythm into our week, we like the predictability and order it brings.  We live without a TV and try to limit our screen time to a minimum.  I try to be as mindful as possible in the way I speak to my children.  I have reduced the amount of audio we have in our house.  These are all covered in the book.

I am inspired to continue with my decluttering process, to continue to reduce the stuff we have in the house.  I have always felt that if my children were bored that I was not quite sure how I should respond, I wanted it to something that they dealt with themselves but I was not totally comfortable with it.  I am going to try and find comfort with leaving them to deal with it.  As part of my rhythm in my week I am going to ensure that I always include ordinary days as the author calls them, days when we are not busy to restore calm and balance in the week.  I know my children need these days in the week but I need to remember to ensure that they are included.

There are three areas in particular that have drawn me in and made me pause for thought.  The first is advice on how to react when a child is out of sorts for an extended period.  When things are not right and the disquiet extends beyond a bad mood.  The author suggests 'treating' this as you would a physical illness such as a fever.  He takes you through the steps you would go through for a physical illness and then apply them to a soul fever as he calls them.  You notice, you quieten things down, you stay at home, you let it run its course and hope for a strong return.  This seems so obvious to me when I read it and I will attempt to apply this the next time I feel one of my children is out of sorts.

When talking you through simplifying a child's toys he mentions fixed toys, those that only do one thing, he describes them as being too finished.  I have been looking at the toys we now have, trying to decide whether they are fixed or not and where you draw the line.  Are toy cars fixed, they do allow imaginary play but is that enough.  How about a marble run with pieces that you fit together?  I am looking at all our stuff through a new pair of eyes.

The last is how I talk to my children.  The author advocates talking less, making the words you do say matter, not bathing our children in words.  The more we talk the less they listen.  A child cannot play deeply and thoughtfully if we are talking through their every move.  He suggests that in certain situations if we must talk make it an observation without judgement or praise.  Talking less is a way of decluttering it gives a child more space for their own thoughts and feelings to develop.  The words we do use are so important, I do try to be mindful about speaking to anyone, to speak to others as I wish to be spoken to myself.  I often forget.  So before I speak I am going to try to remember is it true, is it kind, is it necessary.  The necessary meaning are your words more important than silence.  I am going to try to make this my pause before speaking.

Looking

Why is it that all the males in my life are utterly rubbish at looking for things.  I remember when I was a child if my dad had lost something we all had to stop what we were doing to help him look.  As I got older I realised that he was at a complete loss as to how to go about finding anything.  My husband is pretty much the same.

When my eldest was born, I vowed to ensure that he was not the same.  I have tried really hard to provide an environment for him to learn these skills, I though I was doing ok with this until recently.  My youngest, a girl is far better than him already at only three.  I am not going to give up but I have been thinking about why this should be.

So far my observations are (no pun intended) that my youngest seems to be much more aware of what is going on around her, she notices and processes things in such a way that it is more observant.  Whereas my eldest is much more focused, that is not to say my youngest isn't, but in such a way that what is happening around him is not observed in a way that he notices what is beyond his immediate environment.

I may be completely wrong on this one of course, I am aware that males and females brains are totally different which is due in part to the way they are wired when we are young.  Nothing I can do will change this wiring, but I am not going to give up on nurturing a looking ability in my son.  If you have any thoughts or observations I would love to hear them!

We have been mainly........

busy this week, making the most of the warmer weather as we were not convinced it was going to last, and it has been positively autumnal this summer for us.

We started the week with our usual visit to the local town for food shopping and a visit to the library to get some new books.  We found a cool book Wild Child by Jeanne Willis, I think I have read this at least five times every day this week, she loves it.  We spent the afternoon looming at our library books and drawing pictures.

The next day we joined our friends for our regular play date.  My eldest was not sure of he wanted to go this week.  He had not had so much fun last week as there were different children there.  He needed to knowm if they would be there again before he decided.  He needs time to get to know new people and prefers to do this one on one rather than in a group.  He struggled to join in last week.  I established that they were not going to be there so we headed down.  He had a great play for the afternoon, running around, playing with lego and building a den.  My youngest spent most of the day on their trampoline, she is getting quite competent.  Despite getting home late we contact our friends who were meeting the next day to plan a day out.  We have so few warm sunny days we wanted to make plans rather than leaving until mid morning and not ending up doing much.

We opted for a day out to a local Buddhist Temple and Retreat Centre it was a beautiful place, really serene and peaceful.  The children spent a long time in the temple sitting still and looking around, it was a really calming place.  We had a lovely long picnic on their beach, whilst the children played in the sand and shallow waters.  It was a long but wonderful day.

On Thursday we took our canoe out for a day paddle on a local lake.  We took dinner and tea which we cooked on our Kelly Kettle.  I was really tired by the end of the day, but I do love days out like this, being outdoors recharges my batteries.  My eldest is never keen at the thought but when we are out always tells me he is having a great time, so it is usually worth that extra hassle.

The next day we were joined for dinner by our friends from the south.  Like me they have to eat a particular diet and are unable to eat gluten, together with my long list of foods I cannot eat it makes for intersting meals.  I enjoy cooking and managed to put together a meal for eight without using any.  I served up (all homemade) coleslaw, rice salad with dill and peas, a green leaf salad from the garden, onion bhajis and deep fried cheddar balls.  The children were off playing together for pretty much the whole time. It was lovely to see and hear the girls so well together, they are still young but seem to be finding each others company enjoyable now which is wonderful to observe.  It meant the adults had a catch up which was great as what with one thing and another we have not been able to meet up much of late.

Continuuing the busy theme we spent a large proportion of the weekend on a canoe trip.  This time we took the kit to camp out under a bivi sheet.  The children had a whale of a time, it was lovely to have the time to just sit and watch what they were doing, running around in the water, in the trees, looking at things, asking questions or just sitting and being.  It is important to slow down sometimes and live simply.  Camping is a great opportunity to do this, I am looking forward to our many camping trips we have planned over the next few weeks.

We have been mainly.......

having fun with friends and family this week.

We started the week with our usual trip into the local town.  After the busyness of last week, we set off earlier and managed to avoid it.  We found a fantastic book about spiders, The Diary of a Spider a fun story about how spiders live.

On Tuesday we joined our friends for our regular play date.  The children all rescued a baby blue tit which had been caught by a cat and cared for it.  It was interesting to watch them working out what to do with it, what they needed to keep it safe it kept them busy for a long time until they could set it free.  They also decided to put on a show on the trampoline with jumps, songs, a short play and joke telling it was great.

We stayed at home the next day and kept ourselves busy reading books, playing with Lego, painting, knitting, baking bread and observing Lammas. We cooked a meal in the evening based on the few bits of produce that we have in the garden at the moment, it's a lean year this year.  After supper I headed off to a meeting with friends to plan a programme of activities for a local Explorer Scout group it was the first time my youngest had gone to sleep without me, she managed just fine with daddy for company.

We joined friends the next day at a local pick your own farm.  We managed to pick a pound of strawberries there were not many as it is the end of the season, and three pounds of raspberries, I have given up trying to grow strawberries they will not ripen in my garden and I really ought to get some raspberries canes for my garden.  Having picked our fruit we drove up the road to a play park where we had a picnic and a play.  It was really quite warm for a change, although you needed a jumper when the sun went in.  I made most of the fruit into jam when we got home, some of the raspberries got eaten with cream for supper.

On Friday we visited our friends to the south, it has been a long time since we were able to spend time together and it was great to catch up with them again.  We joined them for lunch after which we walked to a local park so that the children could all run off their energy.  I seemed to be doing a lot of that as they had me whizzing them around on a heavy roundabout!  We returned to their house for a drink with  scones and jam before heading home it was a lovely day.

Over the weekend we enjoyed an adventure with our canoe and sail on a local lake on Saturday.  It started off sunny with light winds and ended with wild weather heavy rain, wind, thunder and lightening.  We had the lake to ourselves at that point, not surprisingly.  Whilst cooking tea that evening my children decided to raid my utensil draw.  My youngest had a colander on her head and a funnel as a trumpet, my eldest had two measuring cups and a whisk as a drum set.  They were marching up and down, making music.  They soon had many items on the table which they were tapping with the whisk they realised that the size of the item had a bearing on the sound it made, it was lovely to listen to their conversation of discovey.

We stayed at home on Sunday drawing, reading books, playing Lego and watching DVDs a quiet end to the week.

Out

I agreed to attend a meeting this week to help plan activities for a local Explorer Scout group.  The meeting was at a friends house in the evening.  During the day I told my youngest that I was going out after supper and that daddy would put her to bed.  She didn't seem to bothered for most of day, just answered ok each time I told her.  When I said the same thing at supper the answer changed to I am coming with you, when I told her this was not possible the answer was you're joking!  She was naturally worried as daddy putting her to bed is not what usually happens.  Every night of her life I have done it.  She only nurses at night occasionally now so I figured she was ready for the odd night without me.  She did in fact go to sleep just fine.  And me, I was so unused to spending two hours on a sofa without having to get up that I was virtually dozing off!

Leaking

I posted on here a few months ago that I felt like I was moving to a different beat to my eldest child. That we were bumping along together. We still have the occasional day when I feel like I am not connecting with him until recently when I read on a lovely blog about leaky cups. Lawrence Cohen who wrote Playful Parenting talks about attachment parenting using the metaphor of filling and refilling a cup. The caregiver is like a reservoir for the child, who will come to you for a refill when they need it. Sometimes the cup can leak, so a refill is not enough, the cup is not replenished enough so they come back for more and more until it is filled.

Since reading this I have realised this is what is my problem. I am not meeting the needs of my eldest and his cup has started to leak. Knowing what the problem is just the start but I hope I can now find a way for us both move to the same beat.

Bedtime

A few weeks after my eldest was born I started a routine for him for bedtime. This consisted of a bath or wash, a change of sleepsuit and vest if needed, milk and then sleep. The milk was given in a dark and quiet room. In the early days I went to bed too. As he got older I introduced a story in to this routine and that was it for the next four years until my youngest was born.

Adding another child to the routine should be simple? Er no. My youngest would not go to sleep unless the room was dark and quiet, so I could not read a story to my eldest and get the youngest to sleep. I tried various ways of achieving our routine. The best was for my husband to read stories and settle the eldest whilst I nursed the youngest to sleep. That worked fine until my husband started to work away again, which he did after about nine months, and I was settling two children to sleep on my own. I never really achieved this and a some point my eldest stopped wanting a story at bedtime. He wanted to play. As my youngest got older it became clear that she needed less sleep each night than my eldest.

Every now and again I would find a routine that worked and we would follow it for a while, then we go and stay somewhere else for a few nights, come home and the routine was forgotten. More recently we started to watch a DVD before bed. Always a documentary of some sort, as a family. We watched lots of interesting programmes and I learnt loads. We borrowed most of these from the library and friends, once we had exhausted the collection that routine fell apart and so too had any semblance of a routine.

Throughout all of this we have never been rigid about the timings we have had in place. We would start 'bedtime' any time after 7pm and most nights the children were asleep by 9pmish. Recently however with a complete lack of routine bedtime had started to become later and later, my evening had all but disappeared. My me time had gone, I only really had about an hour or less, and it was impossible to do any tidying when my husband was away which is often. The children would play together until late and then be either too tired or too hyped up to settle to sleep.

I needed to come up with a routine that would give both children some time with me, a story and feeling settled and asleep or nearly so by the end of it. My eldest still needs more sleep so I had always felt that it would be better if the children went to sleep at the same time, particularly as my youngest was very noisy in the mornings and would wake the eldest up when he had not had enough sleep. Now that my youngest is a bit older, she understands about needing to be quiet in the morning to allow my eldest to be left to sleep. I had noticed over the last few weeks that although bedtimes were in chaos the mornings were calmer. My youngest woke first, and quietly we would go downstairs and have some time together before the eldest woke up. I also felt that the the bedtime was in chaos as we had all lost our time to connect with each other before settling the day to bed.

So I am now trying a new routine. Bath/wash if necessary/wanted, change into pajamas, story for youngest, nurse to sleep, once asleep, join eldest who has been quietly playing in his room during story and nursing and story for eldest. So far it is working. At the moment I am on my own, this may go awry when husband comes home. That is tommorrow now, so we shall see!

Dependency

At the start of our life we are totally dependent on adults to look after us. We need milk, preferably from mama, to nourish and sustain us and we need contact and warmth to keep us safe and secure. We continue this dependency for many years although the level diminishes the older we get. As adults we continue to need and want people around us our friends and families to maintain those feelings of safety and security though contact. The dependency of our children is an intense relationship, one which in some cultures around the world is still shared. In our now fractured society it is, usually, the mother who bears this responsibility for most, if not all, of the time. She no longer has a network of extended family, her own parents or in laws, aunties, uncles or cousins or other unrelated members of her community to help with the child care and looking after the home. This intensity requires the care giver to be an emotionally strong person, to be able to carry on with little sleep or rest, to put her needs last at all times. If we have not received this level of care and attention ourselves we also, therefore, have not had the opportunity to learn these skills.

In most families, when a child is around the age of two, conflict can set in. At this age the child is starting to find their place in the world, they are exploring and testing all the time. We can be conditioned by our own upbringing and therefore experience to try to restrain this, to fight it, to bring the child in line with your own beliefs. What we should really be doing is providing them with a safe and secure haven from which to go out and learn and come back to. Sadly, in most families this is the start of a journey of conflict which continues until the child leaves the family home many years later and the cycle is then repeated.

A child who is not given the level of care and contact they need does not feel safe and secure. They learn to be independent for the wrong reasons, as they cannot depend on the adults around them to meet their needs. They become unable to trust, they become compliant or aggressive to gain attention for the care and contact that they long for and are not recieving.

Bringing up a child is an intense relationship, which changes over time. If you are trying to do this as a small family unit, mother, father and child(ren) the insensity is even greater. We no longer live in extended families in my society and in most across the world, so we need to find a replacement. Many find this in friendships forged over a common bond of parenthood. This in itself is a maze to be navigated, finding parents with the same views on parenting as yourself. As we no longer live within a community for life with several generations together, each generation becoming parents has lost this vital support network and goes it alone.

Being alone in an intense dependent relationship with your child(ren) is not a good place to be but is where most of us find ourselves. According to this interesting article we have evolved as co-operative breeders. So if you are having a bad day with your child(ren), be gentle with yourself.

Conflict

I wonder how many times you have heard parents or adults say to children be nice, play nicely or be good. I also wonder how many of these folks have thought about what they are actually saying to the child. What do we actually mean when we say be nice, play nicely or be good. How can a child and further more a very young child know what being nice, playing nicely or being good actually means in practice.

Words like this are often said to a child when they are in conflict with another child(ren). To my mind it is far more useful and relevant to a child's development and growth to talk to them about what is going on and use words that will help the child to learn for themselves how to resolve conflict. We can find out what has happened, we need to gain both sides of the story, even if we were a witness this is important as we can never know how another person experiences a situation. We can then use expressions such as what could you do next, what can you do to resolve this and let the children sort it out for themselves rather than taking over and doing it for them.

I have found that the less I interfere in conflict between my children, the quicker they are now resolving this for themselves. If they come and ask for help or they clearly are not resolving things for themselves I do offer advice, but I don't take over and resolve the situation for them.

In my working life I found conflict with colleagues the hardest aspect of work to deal with probably, I now realise, because I did not build a skill set to deal with this as a child. The world we live in is, sadly, full of conflict it is important then that we give our children the opportunity to build and develop these skills when they are young.

To go back to what I mentioned at the beginning about the meaning of the phrases so often used, be nice, play nicely and be good. I would interpret them to mean if you do this, I (as the adult saying it) will think that you are good and love you for it, don't obey me and I will think worse of you and withhold my love or punish you. Not only is a child bewildered about what is being said to them, but doubly so by your reaction when they do not obey your commands.

Tantrums

I loathe this word for all the connotations attached to it such as terrible twos, tantrum threes, feisty, or even badly behaved. These are labels that are often give to children. If you were to walk down most town or city centres on a weekend evening you are likely to find several adults full of alcohol either having or picking a fight. Whilst the fuel for this is often alcohol, the underlying reasons are the same as a young child's. We don't however call this a tantrum.

A tantrum is a sign that a child is helpless, feeling controlled and aggravated, lost his sense of autonomy or is unable to change that which cannot be changed. It can also be a healing process, a way of releasing emotions. It goes without saying that the way you as a parent deal with it, it really important.

If a child has any of these feelings when you are out and about and others see you, it is so common to get looks of pity, or tut tutting, or other unhelpful comments. It is easy as a parent to think that we should be trying to stop this, without thinking about the needs of your child. The only need that is being met by stopping or changing the behaviour is your own, with complete disregard for that of your child. You are the one who thinks that your image as a parent in the eyes of others is being harmed.

We need to tune into our children, let them grow, flourish and learn at their own pace, keep them safe by giving them boundaries. We need to think about what may have caused our child to feel helpless etc and be there for them. There may also be an underlying reason, they want to feel secure and valued. We can help them move beyond the helplessness without distraction, to learn to face disappointment and hurt with strength.

Compliance

A parent commented to me the other day ....this is just a phase, eventually they are good and compliant and do as you ask. At the time I was so taken aback by this statement that I was lost for words, I wish I had a least said we each find our own path, but that is not mine.

Why do parents want their child to be compliant, do they fear a loss of control or of being taken advantage of. Do they think that their child will have no boundaries and therefore have no awareness of others.

A compliant child may seem to a parent as a good child, perhaps even a happy one, but they are not likely to respect you and may even be fearful of you. They are hoping to gain your approval and avoid you being angry with them, do as I tell you and I will think that you are being good.  Using gentle coercion to achieve compliance can leave a child feeling hurt and confused, they don't understand why they feel so bad when you are being so nice. If we impose our limits on our children without justification or explanation they will try to oppose them and resent you, if they feel helpless and powerless this can manifest itself as anger and aggression towards you.

When a child feels safe and secure they are able to be themselves. They will do things competently, not to please you but in order to succeed, achieve and learn. If you respect your child and follow their lead they will respect you. Their actions will be through love not fear, they will be wholly theirs. They will learn co-operation if you co-operate with them.

They will not be in control, you will be working together towards the same goals.  You will be happier and so will your children.  It is hard work, especially if you were raised as a compliant child yourself.  You will have to think hard before speaking.  How would you feel if you were spoken to as you speak to your child?

Exploring

On several occasions over the last few weeks I have had a new sensation of not actually knowing where my youngest is.  She is now venturing away from me and starting the next chapter of her life.  I remember this vividly with my oldest.  It seemed so odd for me, but made me feel so proud that he was ready to move on and be more independent.  I have always endeavoured to ensure that I do not push my children to do anything that I can see makes them unhappy and to create an environment for them to grow, learn and explore at their own pace.  I will never know if I have got this right but I do hope so.

She is now occasionally playing in a different part of the house to me.  We have a regular play date one day a week at the same house, we have been going there for over six months.  In the last couple of weeks she has spent time playing with other children rather than me, in a place where she cannot see me at all.

I am sad and happy at the same time.  My little one is growing up and finding her place in the big wide world.

Perfection

We strive in our lives to make things perfect.  You only have to open certain magazines or newspapers and read the articles or look at the adverts that show us how others think we should be living our lives.  Do we really want our homes and ourselves to look that?  Is that really what we want or is it what we think we want?

We want our houses to be tidy and clean most, if not all, of the time.  Is this practical and achievable if you have children.  Why is this important to so many of us, where does this pressure come from.  If we are sitting with our children reading to them or playing a game with them, but all the time thinking I really should be doing x or y, we are so distracted that we are not present with our children.  Not only are we not doing x or y we are are also not giving our time to our children either.

It is important to consider what our priorities need to be.  Do we want our house to always be clean and tidy, do we want to spend the maximum time possible being present with our children, do we want to always cook every meal from scratch. do we want only shop for food once a week etc.  It is much easier to achieve our goals if we decide what they should be and them aim for them, however it is also vital to be realistic.  There is no point having a list of goals that is not achievable, simply because there are too many on the list.

As a mother we have many pulls on our time.   I remember a time when I would spend the day doing things with my children but I wasn't present with them and they knew it.  I was thinking about all the things I could or should be doing.  And is not just about all the jobs in the house that need doing, it is also about us, as people, being able to do stuff for ourselves.  Often as a Mother your me time is drastically reduced or non-existent unless you want to stay up late or get up mega early and as result be sleep deprived too.  Or I suppose you could just spend the day ignoring your children.

After the birth of my youngest child I bemoaned the loss of my me time (I had just started to get it back after the first).  I resented the fact that it had gone, and that everyone in the house (including my husband) could do what they wanted when they wanted except me.  I soon realised that such resentment was destructive it was affecting my relationship with my children and my husband.  It was time for me re-evaluate what was important, what were my priorities.  My me time would have to be put on hold for a short while, it would not be that long in the bigger scheme of things .  I also decided that I needed to be present for my children as much as possible.  It was important to me that I could spend time cooking meals from scratch and allow time to plan a week of meals, put together a shopping list of the ingredients and shop once a week for everything we will need for those meals (and anything else we needed from the local town).  I no longer have the daily dilemma at some point in the day of what are we going to have for tea tonight.

My house is less tidy, it gets cleaned less often (apart from the kitchen counters) the hoover is only out sporadically, but I think my house is a calmer place for it.  I have more balance in my life.