Last night I had a conversation with a fifteen year old. I have known this lad for about a year. When I first met him he was very quiet. Now he has revealed himself to be very funny, he has perfect timing and is very quick with his quips. I can guarantee he will make you laugh, a lot. I have realised that he is quiet when he is out of his comfort zone, when he feels that he has taken on something that he doesn't feel able to handle or is capable of. He seeks me out, alone, to ask me and tell me things. Inside the comedian exterior he is lost. He has lost his identity, his sense of self. I had a conversation with someone this last week about two children who were the same. They feel very scared, as opposed to trepidatious, about doing something new.
A baby is completely dependant on its parents to care for it and meet, or attempt to work out, it's needs. Within their first year they start to make small steps away, coming back to the parent, the safety net. As the child grows as does their desire to explore, to make sense of their surroundings. But as they explore we naturally want to keep our children safe, away from harm. If we tell our children to be careful or suggest that they may not be able to do something is this really that helpful. Who is really fearful you or your child. By using these words you are planting your fears into your child's head. They may have not even considered whether or not they could do what they are about to do but your words have planted some doubts into their head. You are their wise protector and you think they cannot do it so maybe they can't, rather than enjoying the moment this becomes their overriding feeling. When we are distracted, we usually fail. If it really is that dangerous should you be there in the first place. The best way to keep a child from harm is to give them freedom to explore and let them get on with it. This may feel counter intuitive but they will become better able to anticipate and avoid dangers as they get older, but they can only develop these skills if they are given the support they are need and treated with trust and respect.
Last nights conversation made me sad. Sad that a young man on the brink of going out into the world independently has not been able to build the resources he needs. I have heard his parents speak to him. He doesn't trust himself or his abilities, he has no sense of who he really is. The restrictions placed on him are necessary because he has not been able to build a framework for himself, he doesn't know what he could be capable of because he has not had the freedom to explore. His parents fears have become his.
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Roaming
11 February 2014
Welcome to the February 2014 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Fears
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared stories and wisdom about parenting fears.
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I wonder how many times you have read or heard words along the lines of, children don't play outside as much as they used too or we had so much more freedom when we were kids? Familiar? Ring true with you?
I played out a lot as a child, we had a large garden and lived on a road that was quiet, few people owned cars and we played in the street after school, at the weekend and during the holidays. As we got older we roamed away from the street and wandered far. There were no mobile phones but we always had a bag of small coins so that we could make a call from a phone box if we needed to. As a teenager if I went out at night I had to be home by a pre agreed time but if I wished to stay out later I could ring home and negotiate to stay out later, provided my parents knew where I was, they usually agreed. As a child I gave little thought to what this meant to my parents other than I never felt that they were restricting me or had what I felt to be unfair 'rules'. It is only since becoming a parent myself that I have fully understood and am in awe of the freedom that they gave me. Could I as a parent do the same?
The world I grew up in is different to one that my parents grew up in and so is the one my own children are growing up in. There were no mobile phones when I was a child but as they were not part of anyone's life you couldn't possibly miss them. But does having a mobile make a difference to ones decision making or does it make it harder, it is easier to stay in contact but what happens when you can't. Has all the connectivity we have actually made it harder as a parent rather than easier, the silence is deafening and scary rather than business as usual.
The media would have us believe that the world is a place fraught with dangers. They would have us believe they are commonplace, far more so than they were in the past. I cannot reconcile myself with that view of the world. News travels fast and is easier to 'publish' to the world, instantly at the click of a button. Have things changed or do we just know about more goings on now. Would it be better if we didn't?
My children are still fairly young, at the moment they don't have a desire to venture far from me or their father. But there have been a few occasions where my eldest has gone out of my sight. Each time this has been at his request and we have discussed it. This has felt totally natural, as I expect it was for my own parents. He has yet to request this in a situation that I have not been happy with so it remains to be seen how I feel and react then. I have come to realise it is impossible to know.
To give a child any degree of freedom I believe requires one to trust, that may seem obvious. But I also believe that it is not possible to trust anyone if you don't believe and trust in yourself. It also requires you to care, there are sadly many children who are given so much freedom that they don't know what to do with it. The freedom is often from neglect.
It is a balance, I believe, between staying safe and trusting, between protection and over protection. It's a fine line sometimes but one that I hope will feel right and stay instinctive for years to come, even if comes with the worry that mothers feel.
***
Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants (list will be final around 5pm PST February 11):
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared stories and wisdom about parenting fears.
***
I wonder how many times you have read or heard words along the lines of, children don't play outside as much as they used too or we had so much more freedom when we were kids? Familiar? Ring true with you?
I played out a lot as a child, we had a large garden and lived on a road that was quiet, few people owned cars and we played in the street after school, at the weekend and during the holidays. As we got older we roamed away from the street and wandered far. There were no mobile phones but we always had a bag of small coins so that we could make a call from a phone box if we needed to. As a teenager if I went out at night I had to be home by a pre agreed time but if I wished to stay out later I could ring home and negotiate to stay out later, provided my parents knew where I was, they usually agreed. As a child I gave little thought to what this meant to my parents other than I never felt that they were restricting me or had what I felt to be unfair 'rules'. It is only since becoming a parent myself that I have fully understood and am in awe of the freedom that they gave me. Could I as a parent do the same?
The world I grew up in is different to one that my parents grew up in and so is the one my own children are growing up in. There were no mobile phones when I was a child but as they were not part of anyone's life you couldn't possibly miss them. But does having a mobile make a difference to ones decision making or does it make it harder, it is easier to stay in contact but what happens when you can't. Has all the connectivity we have actually made it harder as a parent rather than easier, the silence is deafening and scary rather than business as usual.
The media would have us believe that the world is a place fraught with dangers. They would have us believe they are commonplace, far more so than they were in the past. I cannot reconcile myself with that view of the world. News travels fast and is easier to 'publish' to the world, instantly at the click of a button. Have things changed or do we just know about more goings on now. Would it be better if we didn't?
My children are still fairly young, at the moment they don't have a desire to venture far from me or their father. But there have been a few occasions where my eldest has gone out of my sight. Each time this has been at his request and we have discussed it. This has felt totally natural, as I expect it was for my own parents. He has yet to request this in a situation that I have not been happy with so it remains to be seen how I feel and react then. I have come to realise it is impossible to know.
To give a child any degree of freedom I believe requires one to trust, that may seem obvious. But I also believe that it is not possible to trust anyone if you don't believe and trust in yourself. It also requires you to care, there are sadly many children who are given so much freedom that they don't know what to do with it. The freedom is often from neglect.
It is a balance, I believe, between staying safe and trusting, between protection and over protection. It's a fine line sometimes but one that I hope will feel right and stay instinctive for years to come, even if comes with the worry that mothers feel.
***
Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants (list will be final around 5pm PST February 11):
- When Parents' Fears Escalate — If we didn't self-doubt, we probably wouldn't care enough about our children to struggle with understanding them. But how do we overcome self-doubt? Read advice from Laurie Hollman, Ph.D., guest posting today at Natural Parents Network.
- What ifs of addiction — After seeing how addictions of adult children is badly hurting a family close to her heart, Hannah at HannahandHorn shares her fears for her own child.
- Sharing My Joy — Kellie at Our Mindful Life shares her fear that others think she is judgmental because she makes alternative choices for her own family.
- Building My Tribe Fearlessly — A meteorite hit Jaye Anne at Tribal Mama's family when she was seven years old. Read the story, how she feels about that now, and how she is building her tribe fearlessly.
- Fear: Realized — Laura from Pug in the Kitchen shares how her fear of car accidents was realized and how she hopes to be able to use her efforts to overcome the remaining fears to help her children overcome their own.
- I'm a Negligent Helicopter Parent — For Issa Waters at LoveLiveGrow, the line between helicopter parenting and negligent parenting is not so cut and dried.
- My Greatest Fear For My Child — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama admits that she has struggled with not allowing her fears to control her and how the reality of this was blown wide open when she became a mother.
- Procactive Steps to Calm Parenting Fears — Every parent has certain fears related to dangerous situations, That Mama Gretchen shares ways she is preparing herself and her children for emergencies.
- Homeschooling Fears – Will My Children Regret Being Homeschooled? — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares an interview with her now-adult children that answers a question she had throughout their homeschooling.
- An Uneasy Truce — Homeschooler and recent convert to unschooling, Tam at tinsenpup shares just a few of the things she tries to keep in mind when fear and insecurity begin to take hold.
- Fearing the worst, expecting the best — Tarana at Sand In My Toes writes about fears that come with parenting, and why we must overcome them.
- Can I be the parent I want to be? — Amanda at Postilius confronts her struggle to peacefully parent a preschooler
- Out of Mind, Out of Fear — How does Jorje of Momma Jorje deal with her pretty steep, long-term fears regarding her son's future?
- I Don't Homeschool to Manage My Kids' Transcripts — One of Dionna at Code Name: Mama's fears of parenting is that she will get so caught up in the monotony, the details of homeschooling, the minutiae of everyday life, the routine of taking care of a household - that she will forget to actually be present in the moment with her children.
- Beware! Single Mom Camping — Erica at ChildOrganics shares her first adventures as a single mom. She laughed, she cried, she faced her fears.
- Parenting Fears And Reality Checks — Luschka from Diary of a First Child shares her three biggest fears as a parent - that most parents share - looks at the reality behind these fears, and offers a few suggestions for enjoying parenting.
- Parenting fear : to kill a pink rabbit... — Mother Goutte tells us the story of a pink rabbit that disappeared, came back, and became the symbol of her worst parenting fear...
- Roaming — sustainablemum considers whether allowing your children freedom to explore the world safely is harder now than in the past.
- Meeting my parenting fears head-on — Lauren at Hobo Mama had many fears before she became a parent. Learn how they all came true — and weren't anywhere near as scary as she'd thought.
- Don't fear the tears — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger worried that letting her children cry when going to sleep was tantamount to the dreaded parenting moniker, CIO. She discusses what actually happened after those teary nights, and how she hopes these lessons can carry forward to future parenting opportunities.
- Will I Still be a Good Mom? — Mercedes at Project Procrastinot worries about her mothering skills now that breastfeeding is no longer the top priority.
- Pregnancy Fears: It Happened to My Sisters, It Will Happen to Me... — Kristen at Baby Giveaways Galore discusses the difficulties with pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding that the women in her family have had and how she overcame them.
- Fears — Meegs at A New Day talks about how her fears before parenting led to a better understanding of herself and her desires for her daughter.
Differences
09 July 2013
Welcome to the July 2013 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Learning About Diversity
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how they teach their children to embrace and respect the variety of people and cultures that surround us. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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We humans are a diverse species we come in many shapes, sizes and colours. Sometimes it would seem, when you read or watch items in the media, that being different is not a positive, there seems to be a desire to be the same. Sadly this seems to start young and those of us that were bullied in school will, most likely, have been singled out for being for different. I will never forget a comment made to me around the age of 12 about a friend of mine, why did I hang around with her, she's so fat, I was horrified on two fronts, firstly that anyone could say that about another person and secondly that being fat made you an unworthy person.
If we feel threatened our instinct is to defend oneself. If someone feels threatened by another's difference their defence can manifest itself as a physical or mental reaction, hurtful words or actions. The threat is sadly real to that person often due to a lack of knowledge, experience, respect and self confidence. These are all things that we as parents can influence in our children's lives. We can open their eyes to our diversity through books, documentaries and discussion. We can bring people into our lives who are different to us and get to know them. We can raise them in a respectful way by treating them as individuals, speaking to them as you would wish to be spoken to and listening to and validating their feelings. We can provide an environment at home which will allow their confidence to flourish, letting them try things safely, giving help only when it is asked for, not comparing them to others and spending time with them and enjoying it not grudgingly.
These are not skills that can be taught, they need to be learnt slowly over time. They need to be an integral part of family life. I am confident that my own children are happy and confident with who they are. That if they are not comfortable with a situation when they are with their friends they can, and do, say so and are respected for doing so, and when they are not they know that they can come to me and will be listened to and if they ask for it will help them out.
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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be updated by afternoon July 9 with all the carnival links.)
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how they teach their children to embrace and respect the variety of people and cultures that surround us. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***
We humans are a diverse species we come in many shapes, sizes and colours. Sometimes it would seem, when you read or watch items in the media, that being different is not a positive, there seems to be a desire to be the same. Sadly this seems to start young and those of us that were bullied in school will, most likely, have been singled out for being for different. I will never forget a comment made to me around the age of 12 about a friend of mine, why did I hang around with her, she's so fat, I was horrified on two fronts, firstly that anyone could say that about another person and secondly that being fat made you an unworthy person.
If we feel threatened our instinct is to defend oneself. If someone feels threatened by another's difference their defence can manifest itself as a physical or mental reaction, hurtful words or actions. The threat is sadly real to that person often due to a lack of knowledge, experience, respect and self confidence. These are all things that we as parents can influence in our children's lives. We can open their eyes to our diversity through books, documentaries and discussion. We can bring people into our lives who are different to us and get to know them. We can raise them in a respectful way by treating them as individuals, speaking to them as you would wish to be spoken to and listening to and validating their feelings. We can provide an environment at home which will allow their confidence to flourish, letting them try things safely, giving help only when it is asked for, not comparing them to others and spending time with them and enjoying it not grudgingly.
These are not skills that can be taught, they need to be learnt slowly over time. They need to be an integral part of family life. I am confident that my own children are happy and confident with who they are. That if they are not comfortable with a situation when they are with their friends they can, and do, say so and are respected for doing so, and when they are not they know that they can come to me and will be listened to and if they ask for it will help them out.
***
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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be updated by afternoon July 9 with all the carnival links.)
- A gift for my daugther — Amanda, a special education teacher for students with multiple exceptionalities, discusses at My Life in a Nutshell how she will enrich her daughter's life by educating her the amazing gifts her students will bring to the world.
- The Beauty in Our Differences — Meegs at A New Day writes about her discussions with her daughter about how accepting ourselves and those around us, with all our beautiful differences and similarities, makes the world a better place.
- Accepting Acceptance and Tolerating Tolerance — Destany at They Are All of Me examines the origins of and reasons behind present day social conformity.
- Differences — sustainablemum discusses what she feels to be the important skills for embracing diversity in her family home.
- Turning Japanese — Erin Yuki at And Now, for Something Completely Different shares how she teaches her kiddos about Japanese culture, and offers ideas about "semi immersion" language learning.
- Celebrating Diversity at the International House Cottages — Mommy at Playing for Peace discovers the cultures of the world with her family at local cultural festivals
- Learning About Diversity by Honoring Your Child’s Multiple Heritages — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at the importance of truly knowing your roots and heritage and how to help children honor their multiple heritages.
- People. PEOPLE! — Kellie at Our Mindful Life is trying to teach her children to use language that reflects respect for others, even when their language doesn't seem to them to be disrespectful.
- Call Me Clarice, I Don't Care - A True Message in Diversity — Lisa at The Squishable Baby knows that learning to understand others produces empathetic children and empathetic families.
- Diversity of Families — Family can be much more then a blood relation. Jana at Jananas on why friends are so important for her little family of three.
- Diverse Thoughts Tamed by Mutual Respect — Amy at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work thinks that diversity is indispensable to our vitality, but that all of our many differences require a different sort of perspective, one led by compassion and mutual respect.
- Just Shut Up! — At Old New Legacy, Becky gives a few poignant examples in her life when listening, communication and friendship have helped her become more accepting of diversity.
- The World is our Oyster — Mercedes at Project Procrastinot is thankful for the experiences that an expat lifestyle will provide for herself as well as for her children.
- Children's black & white views (no pun intended … kind of) — Lauren at Hobo Mama wonders how to guide her kids past a childish me vs. them view of the world without shutting down useful conversation.
- Raising White Kids in a Multicultural World — Leanna at All Done Monkey offers her two cents on how to raise white children to be self-confident, contributing members of a colorful world. Unity in diversity, anyone?
- Ramadan Star and Moon Craft — Celebrate Ramadan with this star and moon craft from Stephanie at InCultureParent, made out of recycled materials, including your kid's art!
- Race Matters: Discussing History, Discrimination, and Prejudice with Children — At Living Peacefully with Children, Mandy discusses how her family deals with the discrimination against others and how she and her husband are raising children who are making a difference.
- The Difference is Me - Living as the Rainbow Generation — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle, guest posting at Natural Parents Network, is used to being the odd-one-out, but walking an alternative path with children means digging deeper, answering lots of questions and opening to more love.
- My daughter will only know same-sex marriage as normal — Doña at Nurtured Mama realizes that the recent Supreme Court rulings on same-sex marriage will change the way she talks to her daughter about her own past.
- Montessori-Inspired Respect for Diversity — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells about her multicultural family and shares Montessori-inspired ideas for encouraging respect for diversity.
- EveryDay Diversity — Ana at Panda & Ananaso makes diversity a part of everyday living, focusing on raising of compassionate and respectful child.
- Diversity as Part of Life — Even though Laura at Authentic Parenting thought she had diversity covered, she found out that some things are hard to control.
- Inequity and Privilege — Jona is unpacking questions raised by a summit addressing inequity in breastfeeding support at Life, Intertwined.
- 3 Ways to Teach Young Children About Diversity — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama recognizes her family's place of privilege and shares how she is teaching her little ones about diversity in their suburban community.
- Teaching diversity: tales from public school — A former public high school teacher and current public school parent, Jessica at Crunchy-Chewy Mama values living in a diverse community.
- 30 Ideas to Encourage Learning about Diversity While Traveling — Traveling with kids can bring any subject alive. Dionna at Code Name: Mama has come up with a variety of ways you can incorporate diversity education into your family travels (regardless of whether you homeschool). From couch surfing to transformative reading, celebrate diversity on your next trip!
- Diversity, huh? — Jorje of Momma Jorje doesn't do anything BIG to teach about diversity; it's more about the little things.
- Chosen and Loved — From Laura at Pug in the Kitchen: Color doesn't matter. Ethnicity doesn't matter. Love matters.
- The One With The Bright Skin — Stefanie at Very Very Fine tries to recover from a graceless response to her son's apparent prejudice.
Trust
08 June 2013
I attempted to walk in to my eldest's bedroom the other day but stopped as I decided it would be too uncomfortable for my feet. The carpet had morphed from a lovely wool one to one of Lego, it was completely covered. I walked away more than slightly baffled as we had been away for almost a week then I remembered for two of the days just before going away we had the same two children over to play. Two children who never fail to make my house look like a whirlwind has been through, almost every toy my youngest owns, which is not a huge amount were out on her floor at one point whilst they were here. Whilst my children do scatter items all over the house it is never a huge volume, they play for hours, sometimes days with the same few toys these same two children flit from one thing to another not really settling and well, making a huge mess. We have recently spent a few days away with this same family and I have now come to realise why these children play as they do.
As parents we are raising the next generation giving them the skills to go out into the world and stand on their own two feet. As humans we have one of the longest periods of development to this stage in the animal kingdom so we have plenty of time to get itwrong right, if we know what is right that is, there are no opportunities to turn back the clock and do things over again. But that does not mean that we should give up hope that we can ever do a good enough job provided we do learn from our own mistakes and not end up sounding like a stuck record which is what I listened to for so much of my time away.
To trust your child is, in my opinion, one of the hardest aspects of parenting and one that can only come from trusting yourself. If you yourself were not trusted as a child then it makes trusting others very difficult. If I had a pound for every time I have heard it said of a child, but I can't trust them I would be a rich lady now. Hearing these words always makes me sad, sad for the adult speaking them and for the child they are speaking of. Trust is not something you can teach children, they have to learn, they have to be given the space to get on with their life but within the safety net of you as a parent. If you keep the net too tight, too restricting then the child will most likely react. How they react will differ from child to child, they may be aggressive physically or verbally, run away from you constantly, feel like they never listen, be destructive, either way their behaviour is likely to challenge you, probably to tighten the net further still. So a tight net is one, for me, that makes for difficult listening, of frustrated children who are unsettled and maybe destructive and how these two children behave most of the time. They are not trusted and that makes me sad.
As parents we are raising the next generation giving them the skills to go out into the world and stand on their own two feet. As humans we have one of the longest periods of development to this stage in the animal kingdom so we have plenty of time to get it
To trust your child is, in my opinion, one of the hardest aspects of parenting and one that can only come from trusting yourself. If you yourself were not trusted as a child then it makes trusting others very difficult. If I had a pound for every time I have heard it said of a child, but I can't trust them I would be a rich lady now. Hearing these words always makes me sad, sad for the adult speaking them and for the child they are speaking of. Trust is not something you can teach children, they have to learn, they have to be given the space to get on with their life but within the safety net of you as a parent. If you keep the net too tight, too restricting then the child will most likely react. How they react will differ from child to child, they may be aggressive physically or verbally, run away from you constantly, feel like they never listen, be destructive, either way their behaviour is likely to challenge you, probably to tighten the net further still. So a tight net is one, for me, that makes for difficult listening, of frustrated children who are unsettled and maybe destructive and how these two children behave most of the time. They are not trusted and that makes me sad.
Viewpoint
26 March 2013
As a parent I want my children to grow up to be happy and confident adults, don't we all? Is that an easy goal to achieve? How we talk to and react to what our children do is the basis of our relationship, most often we choose the path that we know, the one given to us by our own parents. We are most likely to be using parenting patterns that we have not given any thought as to whether they make sense or how we learnt them, following a script that we have not written.
The way many kids are treated suggests a lack of respect for their needs and preferences - in fact, a lack of respect for children, period. A lot of parents act as though they believe that kids don't deserve respect in the way adults do.*
Our attitude as a society towards children is poor, how many times have you been seen that look, you know the one I mean, given to the parent of a child who is in the throes of shouting or screaming in a public place. If as a society we do not hold children in great esteem it is easier for parents to treat their children disrespectfully. If we treat our children with respect, speak to them respectfully and they feel respected they will in turn respect others. When I speak to my children I try to remember to use the same language as I would wish to have spoken to me. In the heat of the moment I sometimes forget, if we screw up it is good to admit it and apologise, for me this demonstrates to my children how apologising works, that I can and do make mistakes and that I have taken ownership of them without losing face or feeling inadequate.
The look that I refered to earlier comes from a desire for children to behave in a certain way, good children are the ones that are sitting quietly and behaving as adults expect them to. When the child has no awareness of these rules of engagement, is it acceptable to punish their behaviour if it does not meet these standards. Are these rules justified and more importantly are they in our children's best interests. Of course I am not for one moment suggesting that running around in a busy cafe is a be encouraged, however if we as parents do not demand obedience all the time we are likely to listened to, when we do ask, if a situation demands that of us. It is important that we allow our children to make their own decision about what is appropriate in a given situation, we learn to become good decision makers not by following the directions of others but by being allowed to make our own decisions. We should allow our children to make those decisions that might make us gulp and not to simply say no even when it make no sense or because we are unwilling to give control.
We might say it's our job to be "in control" in the sense of creating a healthy and safe environment, offering guidance, and setting limits - but it's not our job to be controlling.*
If we are controlling our children's behaviour are we doing so with the best intentions. If a child behaves inappropriately do you think it calls for consequences or, more appropriately, an opportunity for teaching, a working with response as opposed to doing to. A punishment approach is one of power over your children, of making them suffer, how is that going to help a child to know what is appropriate. If we find so much of what our children do and/or say unacceptable and we tell them so, often, then surely this will lead them to feel that they at unacceptable as a person, people do not get better at dealing with unhappiness because they were deliberately made unhappy when they were younger. Too much criticism and disapproval is soul destroying and is likely to stop any attempts to try anything.
When we make children obey by force, threats or punishments, we make them feel helpless. They can't stand feeling helpless, so they provoke another confrontation to prove they still have power. And where do they learn to use that power? From us.*
To treat and speak to our children as we would wish to be treated and spoken to requires us to step outside our own viewpoint and to consider how the world looks to them. If you tend to dismiss people with whom you disagree are you not leaping to make incorrect assumptions. When we learn more this can help us to build a picture below the surface rather than just looking at the behaviour as a snapshot, but our mind has to be open to the information and receive it without judgement.
* Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
The way many kids are treated suggests a lack of respect for their needs and preferences - in fact, a lack of respect for children, period. A lot of parents act as though they believe that kids don't deserve respect in the way adults do.*
Our attitude as a society towards children is poor, how many times have you been seen that look, you know the one I mean, given to the parent of a child who is in the throes of shouting or screaming in a public place. If as a society we do not hold children in great esteem it is easier for parents to treat their children disrespectfully. If we treat our children with respect, speak to them respectfully and they feel respected they will in turn respect others. When I speak to my children I try to remember to use the same language as I would wish to have spoken to me. In the heat of the moment I sometimes forget, if we screw up it is good to admit it and apologise, for me this demonstrates to my children how apologising works, that I can and do make mistakes and that I have taken ownership of them without losing face or feeling inadequate.
The look that I refered to earlier comes from a desire for children to behave in a certain way, good children are the ones that are sitting quietly and behaving as adults expect them to. When the child has no awareness of these rules of engagement, is it acceptable to punish their behaviour if it does not meet these standards. Are these rules justified and more importantly are they in our children's best interests. Of course I am not for one moment suggesting that running around in a busy cafe is a be encouraged, however if we as parents do not demand obedience all the time we are likely to listened to, when we do ask, if a situation demands that of us. It is important that we allow our children to make their own decision about what is appropriate in a given situation, we learn to become good decision makers not by following the directions of others but by being allowed to make our own decisions. We should allow our children to make those decisions that might make us gulp and not to simply say no even when it make no sense or because we are unwilling to give control.
We might say it's our job to be "in control" in the sense of creating a healthy and safe environment, offering guidance, and setting limits - but it's not our job to be controlling.*
If we are controlling our children's behaviour are we doing so with the best intentions. If a child behaves inappropriately do you think it calls for consequences or, more appropriately, an opportunity for teaching, a working with response as opposed to doing to. A punishment approach is one of power over your children, of making them suffer, how is that going to help a child to know what is appropriate. If we find so much of what our children do and/or say unacceptable and we tell them so, often, then surely this will lead them to feel that they at unacceptable as a person, people do not get better at dealing with unhappiness because they were deliberately made unhappy when they were younger. Too much criticism and disapproval is soul destroying and is likely to stop any attempts to try anything.
When we make children obey by force, threats or punishments, we make them feel helpless. They can't stand feeling helpless, so they provoke another confrontation to prove they still have power. And where do they learn to use that power? From us.*
To treat and speak to our children as we would wish to be treated and spoken to requires us to step outside our own viewpoint and to consider how the world looks to them. If you tend to dismiss people with whom you disagree are you not leaping to make incorrect assumptions. When we learn more this can help us to build a picture below the surface rather than just looking at the behaviour as a snapshot, but our mind has to be open to the information and receive it without judgement.
* Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
Reflections
23 November 2012
I recently celebrated my eldest's birthday since then I have been reflecting on my journey over the last eight years as a parent. It has been a time of joy, of sadness, of frustration, of bewilderment and of immense pleasure. I never thought being a parent was going to be easy, it is hard, damned hard and it is all the time there is no walking away.
If you want it there is masses of advice available to parents. A quick search on amazon in books, parenting gave me over 64 000 results some of those may be duplicates of the same book, even so that is a lot of books. Why is it that there are so many available these days. Could it be because we live so differently now to fifty or hundred years ago. We live in very different communities. We have smaller families so the older siblings do not learn any parenting skills which are acquired by the younger members of the family observing older siblings as parents themselves. I had no older siblings to learn from, I remember my cousins as babies but did not spend long enough with them to remember what looking after a baby was like. I read no parenting books before my eldest was born and even if I had I cannot believe that they would have prepared me for the whirlwind that is the early days of becoming a parent. A baby is dependent on us to meet its every need, even when we have no idea as to what the need is that we are trying to meet, fitting our own needs into the day becomes hard. Life, as some would have you believe, does not return to normal, whatever normal is. I was working full time before my first child was born, I was under no illusion that I would ever return to that possibly part time, but never full time. Those parents who try to return to normal must feel like they are pushing a full cart up a hill, permanently.
As my baby grew older and started to explore the world away from me through crawling, toddling then walking I had to learn to trust, and I did right from the beginning. As a parent I believe that it is important to ensure that your child does not come to harm, but is allowed to explore. If a child is not trusted they are exploring the world through someone else's boundaries not their own. They cannot make sense of new situations as they do not know where the boundaries are so parents have to intervene. If more trust is given as the child gets older they may come to harm as they have not been able to make their own boundaries. I realised that I was able to trust my child as my mother had trusted me. If we are not trusted ourselves how can we place trust in our own children, we have not been able to learn these skills properly at the time in our lives that we needed to gain this vital skill.
As a parent I believe it is important to respect children, I have been shocked at how little respect children are given in our society. I am not taking about legislation to protect their rights or safeguarding them from harm, I am talking about treating them as individuals in the same way as you would adults. If my children are hurt or upset I don't deny them these feelings by saying oh you'll be alright or it's not that bad. How could I possibly know how they are feeling, to say this is to deny the child any feeling or lead them to question the feeling they are having and wonder if they are wrong to feel that way. If my children tell me they are hungry I believe them and give them something to eat, unless I am about to serve a meal. I don't say you can't be you've just eaten etc. I speak to my children as I would expect to be spoken to myself, or as I would speak to anyone else and how most parents speak just to other adults. I find this immensely disrespectful and it jars with me every time I hear a parent speak that way to a child. We seem to still expect our children to be seen and not heard, much like the Victorians. If you try to take a child out for a meal after 5pm in so many places it is not possible, if my children are quiet and sit still I am told they good, if my children are being noisy and boisterous I get withering or pitying looks. I want my children to be themselves, to work out for themselves when is the time for being quiet and still or noisy or boisterous not when the rest of society deems it appropriate.
Children have an immense capacity to learn. When I think back to what they learn in the first two years of their life alone it is remarkable. As a parent I am learning too, each and every day. It is a journey that never stops, it is exciting and exhausting. I am preparing my children to venture out into the world by themselves. We spend more of our lives away from the family home than we do in it, but they are some of the most important. They are the time when we are learning values which will shape us into who we are as adults, those foundation blocks give us a stable platform to go out and continue to learn. If there are gaps or cracks in the foundations we will struggle. One the biggest lessons I have learnt from my children is to relax. If I take my time and go at their pace I am a more relaxed mama. I don't try to do too much in one day as it leaves me frazzled especially if I have to be places at a specific time, for me life is too short for rushing.
This is not my advice, this what I do and what I believe in now, tomorrow that may change, in a year that may change. My parenting is fluid. I am not perfect, I have lots to learn and I look forward to the future because of this. I don't beat myself up when I have a bad day I try to work out why and change things if I can. I am enjoying it as I only get one chance.
If you want it there is masses of advice available to parents. A quick search on amazon in books, parenting gave me over 64 000 results some of those may be duplicates of the same book, even so that is a lot of books. Why is it that there are so many available these days. Could it be because we live so differently now to fifty or hundred years ago. We live in very different communities. We have smaller families so the older siblings do not learn any parenting skills which are acquired by the younger members of the family observing older siblings as parents themselves. I had no older siblings to learn from, I remember my cousins as babies but did not spend long enough with them to remember what looking after a baby was like. I read no parenting books before my eldest was born and even if I had I cannot believe that they would have prepared me for the whirlwind that is the early days of becoming a parent. A baby is dependent on us to meet its every need, even when we have no idea as to what the need is that we are trying to meet, fitting our own needs into the day becomes hard. Life, as some would have you believe, does not return to normal, whatever normal is. I was working full time before my first child was born, I was under no illusion that I would ever return to that possibly part time, but never full time. Those parents who try to return to normal must feel like they are pushing a full cart up a hill, permanently.
As my baby grew older and started to explore the world away from me through crawling, toddling then walking I had to learn to trust, and I did right from the beginning. As a parent I believe that it is important to ensure that your child does not come to harm, but is allowed to explore. If a child is not trusted they are exploring the world through someone else's boundaries not their own. They cannot make sense of new situations as they do not know where the boundaries are so parents have to intervene. If more trust is given as the child gets older they may come to harm as they have not been able to make their own boundaries. I realised that I was able to trust my child as my mother had trusted me. If we are not trusted ourselves how can we place trust in our own children, we have not been able to learn these skills properly at the time in our lives that we needed to gain this vital skill.
As a parent I believe it is important to respect children, I have been shocked at how little respect children are given in our society. I am not taking about legislation to protect their rights or safeguarding them from harm, I am talking about treating them as individuals in the same way as you would adults. If my children are hurt or upset I don't deny them these feelings by saying oh you'll be alright or it's not that bad. How could I possibly know how they are feeling, to say this is to deny the child any feeling or lead them to question the feeling they are having and wonder if they are wrong to feel that way. If my children tell me they are hungry I believe them and give them something to eat, unless I am about to serve a meal. I don't say you can't be you've just eaten etc. I speak to my children as I would expect to be spoken to myself, or as I would speak to anyone else and how most parents speak just to other adults. I find this immensely disrespectful and it jars with me every time I hear a parent speak that way to a child. We seem to still expect our children to be seen and not heard, much like the Victorians. If you try to take a child out for a meal after 5pm in so many places it is not possible, if my children are quiet and sit still I am told they good, if my children are being noisy and boisterous I get withering or pitying looks. I want my children to be themselves, to work out for themselves when is the time for being quiet and still or noisy or boisterous not when the rest of society deems it appropriate.
Children have an immense capacity to learn. When I think back to what they learn in the first two years of their life alone it is remarkable. As a parent I am learning too, each and every day. It is a journey that never stops, it is exciting and exhausting. I am preparing my children to venture out into the world by themselves. We spend more of our lives away from the family home than we do in it, but they are some of the most important. They are the time when we are learning values which will shape us into who we are as adults, those foundation blocks give us a stable platform to go out and continue to learn. If there are gaps or cracks in the foundations we will struggle. One the biggest lessons I have learnt from my children is to relax. If I take my time and go at their pace I am a more relaxed mama. I don't try to do too much in one day as it leaves me frazzled especially if I have to be places at a specific time, for me life is too short for rushing.
This is not my advice, this what I do and what I believe in now, tomorrow that may change, in a year that may change. My parenting is fluid. I am not perfect, I have lots to learn and I look forward to the future because of this. I don't beat myself up when I have a bad day I try to work out why and change things if I can. I am enjoying it as I only get one chance.
Rope
18 October 2012
When I was employed and working in a paid jobs I had a boss who once said to me with regard to managing people I give them enough rope but not so much that they hang themselves. He was of course referring to metaphorical rope! At the time I was starting out on the managing road, it was a hard and slow journey to gain skills that are crucial to managing others, but I always returned to the rope analogy. That boss was one of the best I ever had in my working life. He always knew when to leave staff to get on with it and when they might need a hand to hold, he was supportive but not intrusive, skills to me that make an excellent manager.
Mothers are managers. Having been in both roles they are, without a doubt, one and the same. I still use the metaphorical rope to let my children explore and learn but not so much that I put them in a place that will be unsafe. It is hard to let you children go, to let them explore it takes a great amount of trust. You have to trust that you are doing the right thing and you have to trust that your child will not come to harm. But if we don't how will they learn. If we keep the rope too tight all the time, so there is no or little chance for exploration, how can learning take place? If the rope is loosened as the child gets older if there has been little chance for self directed exploration and learning will they know what to do or will they come to harm and so the rope is tightened again.
I know a child who I feel is in a situation where the rope has been too tight until recently when it has been loosened. The result is that they have come to harm, seriously enough to warrant an over night in hospital and then came home, did something else and vomited all night. Mother feels the child is on a self destruct path, I disagree. If this child has been as I suspect, on a tight rope they have had little or no opportunity to be trusted, to learn, to explore the world for themselves. The sad thing is, is in my view, and this is my personal opinion so I may of course be totally wrong, I hope this does not lead to a continuing breakdown of the relationship between mother and child. As the child grows older I hope it does not lead to resentment, anger and distrust.
If you are not able to trust your child how can they learn to trust others or themselves. Will they think that they are not capable of doing what they thought they could do. As mothers we have to learn to trust ourselves and then we are comfortable trusting our children so that they can go out into the world and trust others.
Mothers are managers. Having been in both roles they are, without a doubt, one and the same. I still use the metaphorical rope to let my children explore and learn but not so much that I put them in a place that will be unsafe. It is hard to let you children go, to let them explore it takes a great amount of trust. You have to trust that you are doing the right thing and you have to trust that your child will not come to harm. But if we don't how will they learn. If we keep the rope too tight all the time, so there is no or little chance for exploration, how can learning take place? If the rope is loosened as the child gets older if there has been little chance for self directed exploration and learning will they know what to do or will they come to harm and so the rope is tightened again.
I know a child who I feel is in a situation where the rope has been too tight until recently when it has been loosened. The result is that they have come to harm, seriously enough to warrant an over night in hospital and then came home, did something else and vomited all night. Mother feels the child is on a self destruct path, I disagree. If this child has been as I suspect, on a tight rope they have had little or no opportunity to be trusted, to learn, to explore the world for themselves. The sad thing is, is in my view, and this is my personal opinion so I may of course be totally wrong, I hope this does not lead to a continuing breakdown of the relationship between mother and child. As the child grows older I hope it does not lead to resentment, anger and distrust.
If you are not able to trust your child how can they learn to trust others or themselves. Will they think that they are not capable of doing what they thought they could do. As mothers we have to learn to trust ourselves and then we are comfortable trusting our children so that they can go out into the world and trust others.
Parenting
26 May 2012
I have never been that keen on labelling when it comes to human behaviour, often the label can be loaded depending how, when and why it was coined.
Around the time that my eldest child was starting to play and interact with other objects, I made a conscious decision to rarely initiate play myself. I would be in the same room, usually right next to him, but I would take my lead from him. A s he got older I would still be nearby but may be engaged in other activities myself such as reading, knitting or writing. I have adopted the same approach for my youngest child too. This does not mean that I never initiate any activities, but most of the time this comes from them.
I have recently read in several places about a parenting approach or philosophy called benign neglect. I was really intrigued by this label, as for me it seemed rather negative. The word neglect in our society can conjure up many of the horrific stories of children's sadly short lives, that have been portrayed in the media in the last few years. It does after all mean a failure to take proper care. Benign neglect is about letting your children develop their own fun and games by taking a step back and not interfering, thus allowing spontaneity and resilience to develop. It is not about ignoring them, more about finding a balance between this and more planned and/or structured activity. If we over structure our children's lives ferrying them from one activity to another, whilst they may always be busy, which you may feel is a good thing, there is little opportunity for imagination and spontaneity to flourish. I wonder if you are following a schedule such as this, are your children bored when presented with unstructured time, perhaps this is when they are watching tv. Where are the leaders of the future going to come from if children are not given the opportunity to do activities that they themselves have initiated and therefore have ownership of.
For me this philosophy extends beyond play to parenting as a whole, this requires an immense amount of trust on my part. I have never, for example, expected my children to stay right by my side when we are out and about, now they are able to make the judgement for themselves as to whether that is where they want to be. We live in a small rural village, any outings to a big busy city means they are usually glued to my side, often holding my hand, but that is not at my instigation.
I am not sure that, even as a proponent of benign neglect, I wish to use this label of myself. How about you?
Around the time that my eldest child was starting to play and interact with other objects, I made a conscious decision to rarely initiate play myself. I would be in the same room, usually right next to him, but I would take my lead from him. A s he got older I would still be nearby but may be engaged in other activities myself such as reading, knitting or writing. I have adopted the same approach for my youngest child too. This does not mean that I never initiate any activities, but most of the time this comes from them.
I have recently read in several places about a parenting approach or philosophy called benign neglect. I was really intrigued by this label, as for me it seemed rather negative. The word neglect in our society can conjure up many of the horrific stories of children's sadly short lives, that have been portrayed in the media in the last few years. It does after all mean a failure to take proper care. Benign neglect is about letting your children develop their own fun and games by taking a step back and not interfering, thus allowing spontaneity and resilience to develop. It is not about ignoring them, more about finding a balance between this and more planned and/or structured activity. If we over structure our children's lives ferrying them from one activity to another, whilst they may always be busy, which you may feel is a good thing, there is little opportunity for imagination and spontaneity to flourish. I wonder if you are following a schedule such as this, are your children bored when presented with unstructured time, perhaps this is when they are watching tv. Where are the leaders of the future going to come from if children are not given the opportunity to do activities that they themselves have initiated and therefore have ownership of.
For me this philosophy extends beyond play to parenting as a whole, this requires an immense amount of trust on my part. I have never, for example, expected my children to stay right by my side when we are out and about, now they are able to make the judgement for themselves as to whether that is where they want to be. We live in a small rural village, any outings to a big busy city means they are usually glued to my side, often holding my hand, but that is not at my instigation.
I am not sure that, even as a proponent of benign neglect, I wish to use this label of myself. How about you?
Confidence
24 February 2012
I have always been interested in what makes a person confident or not. However it is only since I have become a mother that I have realised how confidence grows within us as we are growing up and that the environment we are growing up in has influences this.
When I was at school I could never understand why some children really wanted to be liked and be part of a group/gang of the 'popular' kids. I couldn't see what the attraction to this type of person was. What, of course, I did not realise at that time was that most of those children probably lacked any confidence in themselves and were looking to other children to help them, as their home environment was not enabling their confidence to grow.
Within the world of work, as I was given greater responsibilities, met more and more people with a lack of confidence and usually self esteem I had to manage them with great care and attention. I misguidedly thought that I could help them to overcome their lack of confidence and build this important skill. What I did not appreciate is that, although my great care and attention was probably what they did need in a manager, trying to build on their lack of confidence was not something that could be developed that easily. As we follow our path through life it is harder to build on our confidence if the building blocks for this skill were not started when we were a child.
As parents we are responsible for creating the environment for our children to grow and flourish into adults. If we expect our child to live up to our expectations of them, please us, or do what we think is right all the time then they will need to take care to weigh their own thoughts and actions which, if they are not sure if this will lead to us being pleased, leads to anxiety and doubt in themselves. We are placing conditions on our love for our child and manipulating them to behave how we expect them to.
If we love our children unconditionally they do not need to meet unknown expectations or have to guess at what we think is the right thing to do. We behave how we expect them to behave in front of them, but do not expect this behaviour from them. In their own time and at their own pace, they will do likewise. They are safe in the knowledge that they can express themselves as they wish, that their needs are taken care of, that you trust your child and meet them on their terms. This I believe is the environment that a child needs to grow their confidence and self esteem. It is not an easy environment to provide all day of every day, but who said child raising was easy?
When I was at school I could never understand why some children really wanted to be liked and be part of a group/gang of the 'popular' kids. I couldn't see what the attraction to this type of person was. What, of course, I did not realise at that time was that most of those children probably lacked any confidence in themselves and were looking to other children to help them, as their home environment was not enabling their confidence to grow.
Within the world of work, as I was given greater responsibilities, met more and more people with a lack of confidence and usually self esteem I had to manage them with great care and attention. I misguidedly thought that I could help them to overcome their lack of confidence and build this important skill. What I did not appreciate is that, although my great care and attention was probably what they did need in a manager, trying to build on their lack of confidence was not something that could be developed that easily. As we follow our path through life it is harder to build on our confidence if the building blocks for this skill were not started when we were a child.
As parents we are responsible for creating the environment for our children to grow and flourish into adults. If we expect our child to live up to our expectations of them, please us, or do what we think is right all the time then they will need to take care to weigh their own thoughts and actions which, if they are not sure if this will lead to us being pleased, leads to anxiety and doubt in themselves. We are placing conditions on our love for our child and manipulating them to behave how we expect them to.
If we love our children unconditionally they do not need to meet unknown expectations or have to guess at what we think is the right thing to do. We behave how we expect them to behave in front of them, but do not expect this behaviour from them. In their own time and at their own pace, they will do likewise. They are safe in the knowledge that they can express themselves as they wish, that their needs are taken care of, that you trust your child and meet them on their terms. This I believe is the environment that a child needs to grow their confidence and self esteem. It is not an easy environment to provide all day of every day, but who said child raising was easy?
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