When I was employed and working in a paid jobs I had a boss who once said to me with regard to managing people I give them enough rope but not so much that they hang themselves. He was of course referring to metaphorical rope! At the time I was starting out on the managing road, it was a hard and slow journey to gain skills that are crucial to managing others, but I always returned to the rope analogy. That boss was one of the best I ever had in my working life. He always knew when to leave staff to get on with it and when they might need a hand to hold, he was supportive but not intrusive, skills to me that make an excellent manager.
Mothers are managers. Having been in both roles they are, without a doubt, one and the same. I still use the metaphorical rope to let my children explore and learn but not so much that I put them in a place that will be unsafe. It is hard to let you children go, to let them explore it takes a great amount of trust. You have to trust that you are doing the right thing and you have to trust that your child will not come to harm. But if we don't how will they learn. If we keep the rope too tight all the time, so there is no or little chance for exploration, how can learning take place? If the rope is loosened as the child gets older if there has been little chance for self directed exploration and learning will they know what to do or will they come to harm and so the rope is tightened again.
I know a child who I feel is in a situation where the rope has been too tight until recently when it has been loosened. The result is that they have come to harm, seriously enough to warrant an over night in hospital and then came home, did something else and vomited all night. Mother feels the child is on a self destruct path, I disagree. If this child has been as I suspect, on a tight rope they have had little or no opportunity to be trusted, to learn, to explore the world for themselves. The sad thing is, is in my view, and this is my personal opinion so I may of course be totally wrong, I hope this does not lead to a continuing breakdown of the relationship between mother and child. As the child grows older I hope it does not lead to resentment, anger and distrust.
If you are not able to trust your child how can they learn to trust others or themselves. Will they think that they are not capable of doing what they thought they could do. As mothers we have to learn to trust ourselves and then we are comfortable trusting our children so that they can go out into the world and trust others.
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Parenting
26 May 2012
I have never been that keen on labelling when it comes to human behaviour, often the label can be loaded depending how, when and why it was coined.
Around the time that my eldest child was starting to play and interact with other objects, I made a conscious decision to rarely initiate play myself. I would be in the same room, usually right next to him, but I would take my lead from him. A s he got older I would still be nearby but may be engaged in other activities myself such as reading, knitting or writing. I have adopted the same approach for my youngest child too. This does not mean that I never initiate any activities, but most of the time this comes from them.
I have recently read in several places about a parenting approach or philosophy called benign neglect. I was really intrigued by this label, as for me it seemed rather negative. The word neglect in our society can conjure up many of the horrific stories of children's sadly short lives, that have been portrayed in the media in the last few years. It does after all mean a failure to take proper care. Benign neglect is about letting your children develop their own fun and games by taking a step back and not interfering, thus allowing spontaneity and resilience to develop. It is not about ignoring them, more about finding a balance between this and more planned and/or structured activity. If we over structure our children's lives ferrying them from one activity to another, whilst they may always be busy, which you may feel is a good thing, there is little opportunity for imagination and spontaneity to flourish. I wonder if you are following a schedule such as this, are your children bored when presented with unstructured time, perhaps this is when they are watching tv. Where are the leaders of the future going to come from if children are not given the opportunity to do activities that they themselves have initiated and therefore have ownership of.
For me this philosophy extends beyond play to parenting as a whole, this requires an immense amount of trust on my part. I have never, for example, expected my children to stay right by my side when we are out and about, now they are able to make the judgement for themselves as to whether that is where they want to be. We live in a small rural village, any outings to a big busy city means they are usually glued to my side, often holding my hand, but that is not at my instigation.
I am not sure that, even as a proponent of benign neglect, I wish to use this label of myself. How about you?
Around the time that my eldest child was starting to play and interact with other objects, I made a conscious decision to rarely initiate play myself. I would be in the same room, usually right next to him, but I would take my lead from him. A s he got older I would still be nearby but may be engaged in other activities myself such as reading, knitting or writing. I have adopted the same approach for my youngest child too. This does not mean that I never initiate any activities, but most of the time this comes from them.
I have recently read in several places about a parenting approach or philosophy called benign neglect. I was really intrigued by this label, as for me it seemed rather negative. The word neglect in our society can conjure up many of the horrific stories of children's sadly short lives, that have been portrayed in the media in the last few years. It does after all mean a failure to take proper care. Benign neglect is about letting your children develop their own fun and games by taking a step back and not interfering, thus allowing spontaneity and resilience to develop. It is not about ignoring them, more about finding a balance between this and more planned and/or structured activity. If we over structure our children's lives ferrying them from one activity to another, whilst they may always be busy, which you may feel is a good thing, there is little opportunity for imagination and spontaneity to flourish. I wonder if you are following a schedule such as this, are your children bored when presented with unstructured time, perhaps this is when they are watching tv. Where are the leaders of the future going to come from if children are not given the opportunity to do activities that they themselves have initiated and therefore have ownership of.
For me this philosophy extends beyond play to parenting as a whole, this requires an immense amount of trust on my part. I have never, for example, expected my children to stay right by my side when we are out and about, now they are able to make the judgement for themselves as to whether that is where they want to be. We live in a small rural village, any outings to a big busy city means they are usually glued to my side, often holding my hand, but that is not at my instigation.
I am not sure that, even as a proponent of benign neglect, I wish to use this label of myself. How about you?
Exploring
06 May 2012
On several occasions over the last few weeks I have had a new sensation of not actually knowing where my youngest is. She is now venturing away from me and starting the next chapter of her life. I remember this vividly with my oldest. It seemed so odd for me, but made me feel so proud that he was ready to move on and be more independent. I have always endeavoured to ensure that I do not push my children to do anything that I can see makes them unhappy and to create an environment for them to grow, learn and explore at their own pace. I will never know if I have got this right but I do hope so.
She is now occasionally playing in a different part of the house to me. We have a regular play date one day a week at the same house, we have been going there for over six months. In the last couple of weeks she has spent time playing with other children rather than me, in a place where she cannot see me at all.
I am sad and happy at the same time. My little one is growing up and finding her place in the big wide world.
She is now occasionally playing in a different part of the house to me. We have a regular play date one day a week at the same house, we have been going there for over six months. In the last couple of weeks she has spent time playing with other children rather than me, in a place where she cannot see me at all.
I am sad and happy at the same time. My little one is growing up and finding her place in the big wide world.
Confidence
24 February 2012
I have always been interested in what makes a person confident or not. However it is only since I have become a mother that I have realised how confidence grows within us as we are growing up and that the environment we are growing up in has influences this.
When I was at school I could never understand why some children really wanted to be liked and be part of a group/gang of the 'popular' kids. I couldn't see what the attraction to this type of person was. What, of course, I did not realise at that time was that most of those children probably lacked any confidence in themselves and were looking to other children to help them, as their home environment was not enabling their confidence to grow.
Within the world of work, as I was given greater responsibilities, met more and more people with a lack of confidence and usually self esteem I had to manage them with great care and attention. I misguidedly thought that I could help them to overcome their lack of confidence and build this important skill. What I did not appreciate is that, although my great care and attention was probably what they did need in a manager, trying to build on their lack of confidence was not something that could be developed that easily. As we follow our path through life it is harder to build on our confidence if the building blocks for this skill were not started when we were a child.
As parents we are responsible for creating the environment for our children to grow and flourish into adults. If we expect our child to live up to our expectations of them, please us, or do what we think is right all the time then they will need to take care to weigh their own thoughts and actions which, if they are not sure if this will lead to us being pleased, leads to anxiety and doubt in themselves. We are placing conditions on our love for our child and manipulating them to behave how we expect them to.
If we love our children unconditionally they do not need to meet unknown expectations or have to guess at what we think is the right thing to do. We behave how we expect them to behave in front of them, but do not expect this behaviour from them. In their own time and at their own pace, they will do likewise. They are safe in the knowledge that they can express themselves as they wish, that their needs are taken care of, that you trust your child and meet them on their terms. This I believe is the environment that a child needs to grow their confidence and self esteem. It is not an easy environment to provide all day of every day, but who said child raising was easy?
When I was at school I could never understand why some children really wanted to be liked and be part of a group/gang of the 'popular' kids. I couldn't see what the attraction to this type of person was. What, of course, I did not realise at that time was that most of those children probably lacked any confidence in themselves and were looking to other children to help them, as their home environment was not enabling their confidence to grow.
Within the world of work, as I was given greater responsibilities, met more and more people with a lack of confidence and usually self esteem I had to manage them with great care and attention. I misguidedly thought that I could help them to overcome their lack of confidence and build this important skill. What I did not appreciate is that, although my great care and attention was probably what they did need in a manager, trying to build on their lack of confidence was not something that could be developed that easily. As we follow our path through life it is harder to build on our confidence if the building blocks for this skill were not started when we were a child.
As parents we are responsible for creating the environment for our children to grow and flourish into adults. If we expect our child to live up to our expectations of them, please us, or do what we think is right all the time then they will need to take care to weigh their own thoughts and actions which, if they are not sure if this will lead to us being pleased, leads to anxiety and doubt in themselves. We are placing conditions on our love for our child and manipulating them to behave how we expect them to.
If we love our children unconditionally they do not need to meet unknown expectations or have to guess at what we think is the right thing to do. We behave how we expect them to behave in front of them, but do not expect this behaviour from them. In their own time and at their own pace, they will do likewise. They are safe in the knowledge that they can express themselves as they wish, that their needs are taken care of, that you trust your child and meet them on their terms. This I believe is the environment that a child needs to grow their confidence and self esteem. It is not an easy environment to provide all day of every day, but who said child raising was easy?
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