Falling down rabbit holes

Whilst my parents were staying with us in late August we went for a lovely walk up on the fell near our house.  It is an area that is rich in history with many cairns, stone circles and evidence of settlements.  We were trying to locate a roman road that was marked on the map and focused as I was on looking for this I failed to notice a large rabbit hole beneath my feet.  It was deep enough that I went in nearly up to my knee, my ankle did not like the experience I think I probably pulled or sprained a muscle.  

After a short rest I felt surprisingly ok and managed to walk for a least another hour before we stopped again for a drink and cake break.  Whilst resting I checked on my foot and managed to make it painful for reasons that I cannot fathom, I guess I rubbed the effected muscle in the wrong way.  By the time I got back to the car I was hobbling somewhat, driving home was rather painful.  It was difficult to walk for 24 hours after which it was swollen but no longer painful, normal movement slowly returned.  

Whilst I was away camping recently with Alice, walking back the tent in the dark I stepped on a slight slope my weakened ankle could not cope with and I managed to pull a different muscle.  Luckily I was able to drive the next morning, getting home could have been interesting had I not been able to.  

We are slowly heading towards the Autumn Equinox which for me marks the beginning of Autumn.  As with all changes of the seasons the last weeks of the old season and the first few of the new one mark a transition period.  We have started a new rhythm for the new season, a rhythm which is tinged with sadness.  

Nine years ago when Alice reached the age when her peers started school education, regular readers here will know that she has never been to school, we were invited to be part of a group that we attended until March 2020 and COVID ended us meeting.  It was a lovely group and a privilege to part of it all those years.  The children that have attended that group have also changed over the years, there were two constant over the whole period Alice and her friend, the daughter of the mum who hosted the group.  

She has been through a lot of changes over the past few years with friends choosing or having to go to school and friends moving away overseas.  In May this year we received the news, with rather thoughtless timing two days before her birthday, that the same friend was applying to go to school to continue her education.  We always knew this friend would go to school at some point, but we had thought this would be in two years time.  She was the last remaining member of our lovely group who had not started school, so that group, which has been part of Alice's home education for so long,  is no more too.  This transition has been made so much harder for her because she has had absolutely no acknowledgment from her friend or her mum about how this change might feel for Alice and effects that change has for her.  This has been hard for me to hold for her too.  The reaction that Mum had to her telling another family also effected by this change has really saddened me as it left me with no doubt that they don't feel responsible for how their behaviour is effecting others or that she wanted to hear from me how that change might feel for us.

Dealing with lack of empathy from others is really hard, an added layer to an already challenging situation. Because this has happened to me with this family before I was prepared for it this time,  I did not take it personally and was able to use my energies to support Alice rather then trying to work out why on earth anyone would think behaving in that way is ok.

Over the last week or so there has been a lot of noise in our house wafting through the wall from next door.  Since our neighbour died last October the house has stood empty, it was emptied by the end of the year and put on the market to sell.  It was very over priced and not liveable in, neglected by the landlord for the past twenty years they have owned it.  The front door was locked using a padlock as it was so misshapen the normal locks did not work, every room in the house needs work doing on it to make it liveable in.  We have been baffled that no has moved in since it had been purportedly sold in February/March time, so long ago that we cannot remember.  It now has new owners who are rapidly working on it to make it habitable again.  It seems the delay was over probate which confused us, it was inherited by two sisters when their mother died about five years ago, it seems that that was not sorted at the time.  My husband and I are looking forward to having new neighbours especially as it will mean that the house is heated over the winter, we live in a terraced house which is wonderful when everyone has their heating on but as the house was empty last winter it made heating our house much harder, with the very large rise in our bills having the house occupied will make a real difference.  

Whilst my husband and I are welcoming the changes next door, Alice is finding them hard.  She has only ever known one neighbour, he was a constant for her next door, an extra grandparent who she was really fond of.  She loved spending evenings with him when her dad was away, her brother at Scouts and I was out.  They would spend hours chatting and doing jigsaws together.  She would go to sleep at night listening to him playing the guitar through the wall, she started lessons last year inspired by him.  It is too much change at once for her.

My ankle limited what I could do for a few days, it is still a little swollen  and is still preventing me from doing some yoga poses weeks, thankfully walking is fine.  Alice is navigating through the change of her friend being at school and all that holds for her.  Having your feelings ignored is hard and has added an extra layer in an already difficult situation.  She will be ok, she will get through this and it will help her build resilience to deal with similar situations in the future.  I am really grateful to Alice for speaking her truth and telling me how having new neighbours feels for her.  We don't all experience change in the same way and when we are able to speak honestly and openly we can find the support we need to navigate through this.  I am naturally sad that we have not been able to do this with our friends.

We will be ok, with time.

Evolving

This time of year always feels like a time for change, I read the same on a blog this week, that it is easier to make changes to your life now than at new year when most people, try to, do.  As my children grow and change I have made subtle changes every now and then but right now I am feeling a need for something a bit bigger.  I have yet to decide completely what form they will take and will take things steady if I need to rather than introducing a whole load of newness all at once.

We like to have a rhythm to our week, it is important to us to do the same thing on a particular day every week, if possible.  Lately with it having being summer we have dropped our rhythm some what.  We have been away quite a bit, as have our friends so it feels quite natural to reintroduce this with some added extras and changes.

One friend has asked not to meet up regularly I am not sure how this will work for us trying to fit in get togethers in a less fixed way, we like to know what we are doing if it doesn't work perhaps we will have to move on make new friends.  Another friend has invited us to join them for some singing every week and on another day swimming something new to add to our week.

I also feel a need to bring more structure to our time at home to see if it could work, as of this week I now have two children who are officially not attending school.  I tried structure with my eldest for the first few weeks he would have been at school and he hated it perhaps I was trying the wrong kind of structure or maybe with two children (my youngest was only a few months old when my eldest reached school age) if one shows an interest the other will join in.  I think I am going to start by offering something one morning a week and after a few weeks add another morning activity.  This will give me a bit of time to work out what to offer and slowly introduce the change.   If that doesn't work I will think again,  for me this is the beauty of home education and learning it can change to suit the needs of my children when they want and need it to.

Weekending

Most of this week I have spent with my parents.  I have not been able to visit for some time as they have been in the throes of building a new house.  I was apprehensive about the trip.  My brother has moved into their old house, the family home, the one a grew up in and I had been told they had already started decorating.  The house my parents are now living in is brand new.  I was unsure if I would feel a loss of connection with such major changes.  It was very peculiar, I have yet to absorb all the changes, there is still much to be done in the new house and garden.  As a visitor I felt very transient as if I would return again and all would be returned to how it was.  Maybe over time I will feel more of a loss or, as I hope, I will feel more comfortable with it all.

The journey to my parents is long and mostly on motorways, it makes for a dull drive, put this together with my apprehension it is hardly surprising that I set off well into the afternoon.  I spent the morning doing everything but actually packing.  The house was very clean and tidy when I left!

The time we were there was spent resting, knitting, talking, playing, visiting museums, going for walks, shopping, putting up shelves, unpacking boxes.  I didn't have to cook a meal for six nights it was a wonderful rest for me.  It gave my children a chance to catch up with their cousin.

We returned home on Friday, I would not have chosen to travel on that day but my husband, who did not travel to my parents with us, was off to the Middle East for a week on Saturday so we returned home to see him.  The roads were very busy and the journey took nearly twice as long as travelling down.

So my husband set off very early on Saturday morning and we spent the day at home playing, reading and in my case unpacking and decluttering.  I also spent some time thinking about what I am going to plant in the garden next year.  Sunday was more of the same I also fitted in some sewing and a visit to the garden centre for garlic cloves to plant out for next year.

Change

When we experience change in our life, if we have no control over it, it can be very unsettling.  In my last job during the final year of working there the culture of the organisation was changing in a direction that was not one that I could reconcile with.  I found this so unsettling and started to look around, unsuccessfully, for another job (I then got pregnant so the dilemma was solved for me).   It saddened me that when I finally left a job that I had so enjoyed, I was glad to walk away.

As adults if we make changes in our lives, such as moving house, we have control, we know that they are going to happen and can prepare ourselves.

Our children rarely have control over change.  It is more often than not imposed on them.  Many a time I have heard parents say 'children can cope with anything, they'll be alright' if they are about to put their children through a major change in their lives.  Yes they probably will be alright, but only if they receive the support that they need to help them to make sense of it.  If we are not there to listen to them and see their behaviour as challenging, wearing and inflexible we are setting ourselves up to be challenged and worn down by our own inflexibility.  Our own inflexibility?  Yes, to being able to see that there is another way of looking at the change, through the eyes of our child, which will be totally different to our own way of looking at it.   We all need time to absorb and make peace with changes, we all need to be able to do this at our own pace.