Community

Last week we were camping with a group of families who come together every year to celebrate midsummer, we have joined them for the last three years.  Each time I come home and ponder over this wonderful community that I immerse myself in for a few days each year.

Whenever I watch or read about communities or tribes who live simple lives with lots of other families, sharing the tasks required to raise their families and sustain their lives I wish I had been born into their lives.  I cannot fathom why my society feels that this way of life is somehow backward, primitive and worthy of the label second or third world.  Looking at this way of life from our own is to do so through the wrong kind of eyes.

We have water on tap, we don't have to walk for an hour to fetch it but to think that this is arduous and time consuming is to misunderstand a completely different way of life.  This time gives those that walk to fetch it a chance to take a break from what ever else they have been doing, they can talk and chat as they walk, putting to bed their troubles and worries, sharing ideas, perhaps noticing sources of food if they live a hunter and gather way of life.  The water tap when camping was a long walk away my storage container small I had to make the trip often but it never seemed a chore.  We are slaves to time, something I have written about before.  But if you don't live by your clock, but by the sun does it matter how long something takes?  How wonderful to not be ruled by time or the clock.  Whilst I was camping I rarely looked at my watch.  I  didn't need to know what the time was, we ate when we were hungry and went to bed when we were tired.

But the most significant and wonderful aspect of the camping was the community.  We came together to celebrate the midsummer and we shared.  We shared food coming together for some of the meals, we shared crafts and most importantly we shared the care of our children.  Without ever having to discuss it the children always had a adult nearby either at the tents or at the beach (where we all felt it appropriate for an adult to be if the children were there).  We weren't watching over them like a hawk but were there in the background keeping an eye out and able to help out if there was a problem or a hurt.  Most of the time I had no idea where my children were but as I knew that they would always be with someone (another 'rule' we had, don't go off alone). I never worried about them and I always knew that if I had to go off for water, washing up or whatever, that there would be someone else to care for them in my absence should they return to find me gone.  The way we live our lives is so artificial.  As isolated family units with the parents responsible for all the childcare, usually the mother for most of the day.  This is incredibly hard work.  The village I live in is a link back to the past in our own society with extended families remaining in the village and all of the individual families taking responsibility for each others children.  This is not without its own local pitfalls but as a premise it seems far better than the way most of us find ourselves living.  The community doesn't need to be based on family, for me I would want to be part of a community of like minded individuals whose vision of the community values are similar to my own.  I had a taste of that last week and boy would I love it to continue as I return to the madness of clock watching and my isolated family unit.

What about you?  Have you experienced community living?  Are you part of a community or want to be or would it be your worst nightmare?

Viewpoint

As a parent I want my children to grow up to be happy and confident adults, don't we all?  Is that an easy goal to achieve?  How we talk to and react to what our children do is the basis of our relationship, most often we choose the path that we know, the one given to us by our own parents.  We are most likely to be using parenting patterns that we have not given any thought as to whether they make sense or how we learnt them, following a script that we have not written.

The way many kids are treated suggests a lack of respect for their needs and preferences - in fact, a lack of respect for children, period.  A lot of parents act as though they believe that kids don't deserve respect in the way adults do.*

Our attitude as a society towards children is poor, how many times have you been seen that look, you know the one I mean, given to the parent of a child who is in the throes of shouting or screaming in a public place.  If as a society we do not hold children in great esteem it is easier for parents to treat their children disrespectfully.  If we treat our children with respect, speak to them respectfully and they feel respected they will in turn respect others.  When I speak to my children I try to remember to use the same language as I would wish to have spoken to me.  In the heat of the moment I sometimes forget, if we screw up it is good to admit it and apologise, for me this demonstrates to my children how apologising works, that I can and do make mistakes and that I have taken ownership of them without losing face or feeling inadequate.

The look that I refered to earlier comes from a desire for children to behave in a certain way, good children are the ones that are sitting quietly and behaving as adults expect them to.  When the child has no awareness of these rules of engagement, is it acceptable to punish their behaviour if it does not meet these standards.  Are these rules justified and more importantly are they in our children's best interests.  Of course I am not for one moment suggesting that running around in a busy cafe is a be encouraged, however if we as parents do not demand obedience all the time we are likely to listened to, when we do ask, if a situation demands that of us.  It is important that we allow our children to make their own decision about what is appropriate in a given situation, we learn to become good decision makers not by following the directions of others but by being allowed to make our own decisions.  We should allow our children to make those decisions that might make us gulp and not to simply say no even when it make no sense or because we are unwilling to give control.

We might say it's our job to be "in control" in the sense of creating a healthy and safe environment, offering guidance, and setting limits - but it's not our job to be controlling.*

If we are controlling our children's behaviour are we doing so with the best intentions.  If a child behaves inappropriately do you think it calls for consequences or, more appropriately, an opportunity for teaching, a working with response as opposed to doing to.  A punishment approach is one of power over your children, of making them suffer, how is that going to help a child to know what is appropriate.  If we find so much of what our children do and/or say unacceptable and we tell them so, often, then surely this will lead them to feel that they at unacceptable as a person, people do not get better at dealing with unhappiness because they were deliberately made unhappy when they were younger.  Too much criticism and disapproval is soul destroying and is likely to stop any attempts to try anything.

When we make children obey by force, threats or punishments, we make them feel helpless. They can't stand feeling helpless, so they provoke another confrontation to prove they still have power.  And where do they learn to use that power?  From us.*

To treat and speak to our children as we would wish to be treated and spoken to requires us to step outside our own viewpoint and to consider how the world looks to them.  If you tend to dismiss people with whom you disagree are you not leaping to make incorrect assumptions.  When we learn  more this can help us to build a picture below the surface rather than just looking at the behaviour as a snapshot, but our mind has to be open to the information and receive it without judgement.

* Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

Seesaw

Sometimes you have a day when it feels like life is trying to throw everything at you.  A day when no matter what you do it is hard to keep smiling.  How many times can you pick yourself up after getting knocked down.

We had a day out yesterday, a full day out, I needed to collect alot of stuff together in a short amount of time, clothes, food, drink.  Getting out of the house by a certain time is my least favourite activity, especially when it is early, read before ten am!  I did manage to leave on time but I forgot wellies, it was raining and we were going to be outside a lot, it was too late to go back so on we went minus wellies.  We managed ok we got damp feet but we were warm, I had remembered waterproofs, hats, gloves and scarves.

We finished the day at a friends house for a welcome fire and warming cup of tea.  I managed to reverse our, new to us, car into a tree outside their house.  Bang, the light fitting smashed, we have owned it for a day.  When it was time to leave my eldest and his friend vanished, competely.  It took us half an hour to find them by which time we were starting to feel disconcerted as neither is a child likely to disappear or run off.  They evidently did not want their time together to end as it was another  half an hour before we were all in the car on the way home.  It was now getting late and I was hungry.

I stopped on the way to buy an ingredient for tea.  I jumped out the car and ran into the shop as I wanted to be quick.  Yes I did leave the children in the car.  However my youngest wanted to come in and as I reappeared with my purchase in my hand she started to scream at me and would not go anywhere near the car.  I was now entering a semi dream like state, one where I felt that I was not really experiencing what was going on and I was going to wake up in a minute and be at home with tea cooked and on the table.  I did not feel capable of shouting or raising my voice but somehow I calmly managed to get us all in the car and on the way home.

I found when I arrived home that the folks who were coming to buy our old car had not turned up and were not answering any calls, my husband was fed up of the hanging around.  I found that the cauliflower that we were going to eat for tea was much smaller than I thought, it was late, I was hungry and tea was not yet started.  The tea I cooked was edible but certainly not my best, my youngest would not touch it.

By now I was exhausted, not the physical sort of tired which is actually quite pleasant, doing anything involving my brain was impossible.  I felt like I was wading through cotton wool.  I headed for my bed the safest place to be in the hope that rest would restore my seesaw back to level.

Openness

Welcome to the March 2013 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Tough Conversations
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have spoken up about how they discuss complex topics with their children. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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I love to do research, to think and ponder things through.  But all the research and preparation is not going to make it easy to tell my children that a relative has died.  A member of our immediate family is terminally ill.  The prognosis is poor, my guess is that he has twelve to eighteen months.  My children have both had, at some point, a fascination with death.  The fascination was as a result of dead animals that we found.  They asked many, many questions about what had happened to each animal and if it was in our garden kept returning to it to check on it.  However the death of an animal that they have no attachment to is rather different to the death of a relative.

I have no idea how they currently really feel about this relative, and probably never will.  I have no idea how they will react when the time comes.  What I feel is that I need to be open with them.  To talk about death with them so they are comfortable with it.  I need to be sure that they are able and feel able to talk about it whenever they want and that I am available to listen and be present with them.

My children are still very young, my youngest may not remember this relative at all as time passes.  I would like to put together a memory book with them.  A collection of photos and words,  if they want to it would be good if some of the words are theirs, their memories.  I hope that we will be able to use the book to remember him and talk about him.

On so many levels I am not looking forward to the day when I have to have my tough conversation, but I hope that by giving it some thought, I can be mindful with my words and, it will be as positive an experience as it is possible to be for us all.
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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be updated by afternoon March 12 with all the carnival links.)

• A Difficult Conversation — Kellie at Our Mindful Life is keeping her mouth shut about a difficult topic.
• Discussing Sexuality and Objectification With Your Child — At Authentic Parenting, Laura is puzzled at how to discuss sexuality and objectification with her 4-year-old.
• Tough Conversations — Kadiera at Our Little Acorn knows there are difficult topics to work through with her children in the future, but right now, every conversation is a challenge with a nonverbal child.
• Real Talk — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama explains why there are no conversation topics that are off limits with her daughter, and how she ensures that tough conversations are approached in a developmentally appropriate manner.
• From blow jobs to boob jobs and lots of sex inbetween — Mrs Green talks candidly about boob jobs and blow jobs…
• When Together Doesn't Work — Ashley at Domestic Chaos discusses the various conversations her family has had in the early stages of separation.
• Talking To Children About Death — Luschka at Diary of a First Child is currently dealing with the terminal illness of her mother. In this post she shares how she's explained it to her toddler, and some of the things she's learned along the way.
• Teaching 9-1-1 To Kids — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling talks about the importance of using practical, age-appropriate emergency scenarios as a springboard for 9-1-1 conversations.
• Preschool Peer Pressure — Lactating Girl struggles to explain to her preschooler why friends sometimes aren't so friendly.
• Frank Talk — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis unpacks a few conversations about sexuality that she's had with her 2-year-old daughter, and her motivation for having so many frank discussions.
• When simple becomes tough — A natural mum manages oppositional defiance in a toddler at Ursula Ciller's Blog.
• How Babies are Born: a conversation with my daughter — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger tries to expand her daughter's horizons while treading lightly through the waters of pre-K social order.
• Difficult Questions & Lies: 4 Reasons to Tell The Truth — Ariadne of Positive Parenting Connection shares the potential impact that telling lies instead of taking the time to answer difficult questions can have on the parent-child relationship.
• Parenting Challenges--when someone dies — Survivor at Surviving Mexico writes about talking to her child about death and the cultural challenges involved in living in a predominantly Catholic nation.
• Daddy Died — Breaking the news to your children that their father passed away is tough. Erica at ChildOrganics shares her story.
• Openness — sustainablemum prepares herself for the day when she has to tell her children that a close relative has died.
• Embracing Individuality — At Living Peacefully with Children, Mandy addressed a difficult question in public with directness and honesty.
• Making the scary or different okay — Although she tries to listen more than she talks about tough topics, Jessica Claire of Crunchy-Chewy Mama also values discussing them with her children to soften the blow they might cause when they hit closer to home.
• Talking to My Child About Going Gluten Free — When Dionna at Code Name: Mama concluded that her family would benefit from eliminating gluten from their diet, she came up with a plan to persuade her gluten-loving son to find peace with the change. This is how they turned the transition to a gluten-free lifestyle into an adventure rather than a hardship.
• How Does Your Family Explain Differences and Approach Diversity? — How do you and your family approach diversity? Gretchen of That Mama Gretchen shares her thoughts at Natural Parents Network and would like to hear from readers.
• Discussing Difficult Topics with Kids: What’s Worked for Me — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares parenting practices that enabled discussions of difficult topics with her (now-adult) children to be positive experiences.
• Tough Conversations — Get some pointers from Jorje of Momma Jorje on important factors to keep in mind when broaching tough topics with kids.
• Protect your kids from sneaky people — Lauren at Hobo Mama has cautioned her son against trusting people who'd want to hurt him — and hopes the lessons have sunk in.
• Mommy, What Does the Bible Say? — Amy at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work works through how to answer a question from her 4-year-old that doesn't have a simple answer.
• When All You Want for Them is Love: Adoption, Abandonment, and Honoring the Truth — Melissa at White Noise talks about balancing truth and love when telling her son his adoption story.

Reeling

Friends, true friends, are hard to make.  But, with the way many of us live now, they are more important than family who are often spread out across the country or continents.  In the period between leaving my childhood home and settling in my own home, I moved many times.  I worked in live in jobs with up to sixty people, I was a student, I had the time of my life, but friends came and went I kept in touch with some but not many, as we drifted apart and our lives moved on.  Since starting to home educate I have met some wonderful and interesting people they have become very important to me, especially this week.

Finding out that someone no longer wishes to be part of your life, as happened to me in this past week, can be hard to understand.  I have wondered if I am not easy to talk to, that I have a closed mind, that my opinions are too strong to counter.  I have felt angry, sad, confused, baffled, worried, anxious, rejected and happy.  I have been reflecting and thinking.  If I come across opinionated and not easy to talk to that is not what I am trying to be and I work hard not to be.  I try to be careful with my words, to show respect.  What I have come to realise, this week, is that whilst that is important I also need to remember that what I say and do in the company of friends will be perceived and interpreted by them in their own way.  That way will be through their own experiences in life, we can never know truly how another person is thinking or what they are feeling in any situation.

When I joined some friends this week for an activity at one of their houses, I was filled with trepidation.  I was nervous, my foundations were feeling shaken.  I was worried that I would sit there watching everyone having a good time thinking how can you after what I have been through.  I thought I would feel rejected.  How wrong I was.  I was running a little late and was the last to arrive.  Everyone was pleased to see me and welcomed me with quite obvious delight, it was very clear to me that this was genuine.  I could not have ever hoped for a better reception.  I had a wonderful afternoon, the best in a long time.  We all did an activity together, we cleared up the house together, then we sat and talked and laughed together.  It was, for me, a beautiful healing.

I am ready to move on.  My emotions have stopped dancing.  I have learnt so much from this experience.  I am stronger.  I live to face another day.

Authenticity

Welcome to the January 2013 Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Authenticity

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting and Living Peacefully with Children. This month our participants have written about authenticity through character, emotions, and establishing authentic communication with their children. We hope you enjoy this month's posts and consider joining us next month when we share about Honesty.

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Sometimes the words won't flow, they get stuck, trapped by an invisible gate or are jumbled up like a pile of clothes waiting to be washed.

Sometimes the words are not there.  There is nothing to say.  I listen intently but I have no reply.

Sometimes the words come fast.  So fast they are tripping over each other.  I stop listening and out they pour out one after the other.

As a child, I have been told by my mother, I spoke little in my first school until about the age of ten.  I have no memory of this, my memories of this school are good ones, I enjoyed my time there, I was allowed my silence, my quiet.  Not so at my next school, I was not happy to be there with teachers who spent an hour a week with you, who needed you to speak, to hear your words to check your progress.

I joined the workforce and loved my first job.  I was valued, respected and trusted.  I moved to another and hated it.  I vowed I would never stay in a job which I did not enjoy, where I was not valued, respected and trusted.

Now I am doing the most difficult, unpaid, job of my life as a mother.  Never before have I been so bombarded with information and advice even when it has not been asked for.  It has been hard to stop the flood, to dissect the words to find the ones that I want, to be a parent who is respected and trusted by my children and for my children to learn these important values.

I know I can listen, but am I always present? Can I wait to hear what my child needs and wants to tell me, it's easy to stray, to have your mind elsewhere planning and thinking.

I try to be mindful with my words, to speak as I would be spoken to, but sometimes those words flow out fast, without thought, they hurt and I apologise for I am wrong.

I have to trust my children, to allow them to be themselves, so they can walk their own path not mine, they can lead not follow.

I want the best for my children but I have to let them develop and learn at their pace, if I dictate the pace I am measuring them up to my standards.

I am trying to foster respect and trust through love and kindness, not control.

This is me.

***
Visit Living Peacefully with Children and Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in next month's Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival!
 
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon January 25 with all the carnival links.)

• Remaining True To Yourself While Parenting - Authentic Parenting compares Western Child centered parenting with African parenting and discovers some ways to maintain your authenticity.
• Honoring My Forgiving Heart — Destany at They Are All of Me writes about how honoring her forgiving nature allows her to break down emotional barriers and allow her to more fully connect with her children.
• Sincere and Credible — Mari from Honey on the Bum uses the definition of authenticity to relate what it means to her and her parenting style
• Being Authentic — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog ponders how to achieve authenticity when there are cultural, community and family expectations to take into account...
• Authenticity — Sustainable Mum shares how her values have been shaped through life and are now the basis of how she parents her own children.
• Authenticity through Consensual Living — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children challenges parents to push past socially learned reactions in order to foster authentic interactions with their children.
• Authenticity Through Emotions — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares her belief that being a truly authentic parent means allowing and supporting both her daughter’s emotions and her expression of them but also her (Jennifer's) own emotions.
• Authentic Grief — Erica at ChildOrganics talks about not shielding our children from the topic of death and dying. She shares how being open and honest on the topic can help our children grow to be healthy well-adjusted adults.
• Authentic Teaching, Authentic Learners — At Surviving Mexico, Survivor shares how learning how to be an authentic teacher was something she discovered rather than learned.

Less

I have just finished reading a book that I found reassuring, inspiring and thought provoking.  Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne was a book that I kept seeing mentioned on blogs and a forum that I visit.  It was always praised and being recommended as a book to read.  As someone who is trying to simplify our lives I wanted to read a book that promotes less is more.

It was reassuring to read about things that I am trying to implement in my family's life.  I have been going steadily through our stuff over the past year, decluttering and reducing.  I have introduced a rhythm into our week, we like the predictability and order it brings.  We live without a TV and try to limit our screen time to a minimum.  I try to be as mindful as possible in the way I speak to my children.  I have reduced the amount of audio we have in our house.  These are all covered in the book.

I am inspired to continue with my decluttering process, to continue to reduce the stuff we have in the house.  I have always felt that if my children were bored that I was not quite sure how I should respond, I wanted it to something that they dealt with themselves but I was not totally comfortable with it.  I am going to try and find comfort with leaving them to deal with it.  As part of my rhythm in my week I am going to ensure that I always include ordinary days as the author calls them, days when we are not busy to restore calm and balance in the week.  I know my children need these days in the week but I need to remember to ensure that they are included.

There are three areas in particular that have drawn me in and made me pause for thought.  The first is advice on how to react when a child is out of sorts for an extended period.  When things are not right and the disquiet extends beyond a bad mood.  The author suggests 'treating' this as you would a physical illness such as a fever.  He takes you through the steps you would go through for a physical illness and then apply them to a soul fever as he calls them.  You notice, you quieten things down, you stay at home, you let it run its course and hope for a strong return.  This seems so obvious to me when I read it and I will attempt to apply this the next time I feel one of my children is out of sorts.

When talking you through simplifying a child's toys he mentions fixed toys, those that only do one thing, he describes them as being too finished.  I have been looking at the toys we now have, trying to decide whether they are fixed or not and where you draw the line.  Are toy cars fixed, they do allow imaginary play but is that enough.  How about a marble run with pieces that you fit together?  I am looking at all our stuff through a new pair of eyes.

The last is how I talk to my children.  The author advocates talking less, making the words you do say matter, not bathing our children in words.  The more we talk the less they listen.  A child cannot play deeply and thoughtfully if we are talking through their every move.  He suggests that in certain situations if we must talk make it an observation without judgement or praise.  Talking less is a way of decluttering it gives a child more space for their own thoughts and feelings to develop.  The words we do use are so important, I do try to be mindful about speaking to anyone, to speak to others as I wish to be spoken to myself.  I often forget.  So before I speak I am going to try to remember is it true, is it kind, is it necessary.  The necessary meaning are your words more important than silence.  I am going to try to make this my pause before speaking.

Simplicity

Welcome to the Simply Living Blog Carnival cohosted by Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children, Laura at Authentic Parenting, Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy, and Joella at Fine and Fair. Continue your reading read on at the bottom of this post by clicking the links to the other participants' posts.

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I endeavour to live my life, with my husband and children, as simply as possible.

What this means to me is talking and communicating with others in a manner that is respectful and how I would wish to be spoken to myself.  We always talk things through, especially when they are important to any one of us, and give each other space to reflect on our discussions before making a decision if one is required.  I try to ensure that I talk to my children about what we are doing on a given day at a time that is appropriate for them, in the case of my eldest this is the night before, and my youngest at the moment, in the morning.

It also means taking life slowly not doing too much in one day.  If we are going out then one errand/visit/plan in a day is enough at the moment.  It is important to me to allow enough time not to be rushing and stressing about being late or getting everything done.  If I need to do extra tasks such as making gifts then I think and plan ahead and to ensure that there is time to get them done on top of our usual day to day, again without stress and rushing.  I don't get to the end of each day and think, I wish I could have done such and such today, if it really needs to be done I will do it, if not I will fit it in when I can.

It is about our possessions, our stuff, being just the right amount.  There is a word for this in Swedish, Lagom, but sadly not in English.  I came across this expression on this lovely blog.  I am still working on finding our lagom, of finding our right amount this is very much work in progress.  I have reduced the amount of items in our house quite considerably in the last year but I feel that we could reduce even more.  Each birthday and Christmas increases our possessions and means that we have to find homes for our new things so sometimes it feels like two step forwards and one step back, particularly as we have had three birthdays and Christmas in the last three months!  All our stuff has a home a place where it can be put away, for the children's things it is important that they are accessible to them, so they are all on low shelves.  If they are stored in a cupboard then the cupboard must also be organised and accessible.  For me, it is also about shopping with purpose, with a list if necessary and not coming home with several items that we bought because they were a bargain and were not really want we need, let alone want.

The most important part of living simply for me is to have a rhythm to our life.  We have a weekly rhythm with days at home, days with friends and a day to do our weekly food shop.  If it is Monday then we are shopping, if it is Thursday we are meeting friends, if it is Saturday it is a home day.  Our days at home do not have rhythm we do not paint on one day or do crafting on a particular day, I never feel that these days disappear into doing nothing, they are always full.  Our 'home' days are also about doing things as a family so we might go for a walk or visit a Museum, go canoeing or swimming.  We have a rhythm with our food too.  I plan a menu each week based on the contents of our weekly veg box, we shop for the food we need to cook that menu.  We eat seasonally, and therefore as locally as possible, so we feel the rhythm of the seasons through our food.

A life lived simply is about being mindful in your decision making and communication, it is rewarding, fulfilling and enjoyable.

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated - Confucius

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Thank you for visiting the Simply Living Blog Carnival cohosted by Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children, Laura at Authentic Parenting, Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy, and Joella at Fine and Fair. Continue your reading by clicking the links of this month's posts on what simple living means to our participants. We hope you will join us next month, as we discuss new beginnings!

• The Moments In Between - Amber from Heart Wanderings takes her yoga practice off the mat to focus on the ordinary moments which make mothering magical.
• Simple living - what it looks like to me - Does simple living mean we have to be selfish? And what does selfish mean anyway? Mrs Green from Little Green Blog ponders in search of a more simple life...
• A Simple Life is a Peaceful Life, For Me - Destany at They Are All of Me writes how simplicity is a very necessary part of her daily function and crucial for coping with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder.
• Getting Back to the Basics - Minimalism was the first step toward living simply for Momma Jorje. Now she's got big plans on getting back to the basics of living in order to live a simple, healthy, family-focused lifestyle.
• Simplicity - What living simply means to sustainablemum and how it is woven into the fabric of daily life.
• Simply Living - Sophelia of Sophelia's Adventures in Japan writes about her reluctance to tighten her budget after years of living in poverty, but also her anticipation of the pleasures of simplifying her daily life as she and her husband prepare to adopt a child in Japan. 
• The Simple Life: A Work in Progress - Joella at Fine and Fair ponders her idealized vision of simple living and discusses the steps she's taking to get closer to it. 
• Simple Living is Simply Living - At Living Peacefully with Children, Bart and Mandy hope to help their children focus on what is truly important by simply living.
• Happiness, not Greatness - Lauren at Hobo Mama discovered that ambitions got in the way of simply being.
• Shifting to Simplicity - At Authentic Parenting, Laura shares a couple of ways in which she tries to simplify her life.

Reflections

I recently celebrated my eldest's birthday since then I have been reflecting on my journey over the last eight years as a parent.  It has been a time of joy, of sadness, of frustration, of bewilderment and of immense pleasure.  I never thought being a parent was going to be easy, it is hard, damned hard and it is all the time there is no walking away.

If you want it there is masses of advice available to parents.  A quick search on amazon in books, parenting gave me over 64 000 results some of those may be duplicates of the same book, even so that is a lot of books.  Why is it that there are so many available these days.  Could it be because we live so differently now to fifty or hundred years ago.  We live in very different communities.  We have smaller families so the older siblings do not learn any parenting skills which are acquired by the younger members of the family observing older siblings as parents themselves.  I had no older siblings to learn from, I remember my cousins as babies but did not spend long enough with them to remember what looking after a baby was like.  I read no parenting books before my eldest was born and even if I had I cannot believe that they would have prepared me for the whirlwind that is the early days of becoming a parent.  A baby is dependent on us to meet its every need, even when we have no idea as to what the need is that we are trying to meet, fitting our own needs into the day becomes hard.  Life, as some would have you believe, does not return to normal, whatever normal is.  I was working full time before my first child was born, I was under no illusion that I would ever return to that possibly part time, but never full time.  Those parents who try to return to normal must feel like they are pushing a full cart up a hill, permanently.

As my baby grew older and started to explore the world away from me through crawling, toddling then walking I had to learn to trust, and I did right from the beginning. As a parent I believe that it is important to ensure that your child does not come to harm, but is allowed to explore.  If a child is not trusted they are exploring the world through someone else's boundaries not their own.  They cannot make sense of new situations as they do not know where the boundaries are so parents have to intervene.  If more trust is given as the child gets older they may come to harm as they have not been able to make their own boundaries.  I realised that I was able to trust my child as my mother had trusted me.  If we are not trusted ourselves how can we place trust in our own children, we have not been able to learn these skills properly at the time in our lives that we needed to gain this vital skill.

As a parent I believe it is important to respect children, I have been shocked at how little respect children are given in our society.  I am not taking about legislation to protect their rights or safeguarding them from harm, I am talking about treating them as individuals in the same way as you would adults.  If my children are hurt or upset I don't deny them these feelings by saying oh you'll be alright or it's not that bad.  How could I possibly know how they are feeling, to say this is to deny the child any feeling or lead them to question the feeling they are having and wonder if they are wrong to feel that way.  If my children tell me they are hungry I believe them and give them something to eat, unless I am about to serve a meal.  I don't say you can't be you've just eaten etc.  I speak to my children as I would expect to be spoken to myself, or as I would speak to anyone else and how most parents speak just to other adults.  I find this immensely disrespectful and it jars with me every time I hear a parent speak that way to a child.  We seem to still expect our children to be seen and not heard, much like the Victorians.  If you try to take a child out for a meal after 5pm in so many places it is not possible, if my children are quiet and sit still I am told they good,  if my children are being noisy and boisterous I get withering or pitying looks.  I want my children to be themselves, to work out for themselves when is the time for being quiet and still or noisy or boisterous not when the rest of society deems it appropriate.

Children have an immense capacity to learn.  When I think back to what they learn in the first two years of their life alone it is remarkable.  As a parent I am learning too, each and every day.  It is a journey that never stops, it is exciting and exhausting.  I am preparing my children to venture out into the world by themselves.  We spend more of our lives away from the family home than we do in it, but they are some of the most important.  They are the time when we are learning values which will shape us into who we are as adults, those foundation blocks give us a stable platform to go out and continue to learn.  If there are gaps or cracks in the foundations we will struggle.  One the biggest lessons I have learnt from my children is to relax.  If I take my time and go at their pace I am a more relaxed mama.  I don't try to do too much in one day as it leaves me frazzled especially if I have to be places at a specific time, for me life is too short for rushing.

This is not my advice, this what I do and what I believe in now, tomorrow that may change, in a year that may change.  My parenting is fluid.  I am not perfect, I have lots to learn and I look forward to the future because of this.  I don't beat myself up when I have a bad day I try to work out why and change things if I can.  I am enjoying it as I only get one chance.

Words

Words are a powerful communication tool, one of many.  They are what sets us humans apart from the rest of the animal kingdom.  They can be used to praise, to scold, to undermine, to wield power, they can be misconstrued, misunderstood or misused.  We use words for most of our life and usually never stop learning them.  The words we use can define our relationships with others.  If we often use negative words our relationships may be tense or strained for most of the time.

During my working life I worked with many people paid and volunteers, latterly as a manager.  I attended many courses to enhance my skill set.  One course I went on was based on communication skills, neuro linguistic programming or nlp.  This is an approach to communication that was created many years ago.  Like so many approaches that are utilised for training purposes it has its fair share of critics.  It was many years ago now, my memory of most of the course is a little hazy, but there is one particular aspect of the course which I remember vividly and still, attempt to, use today.  We had to remember a conversation that we had recently had that involved conflict of some sort where the outcome was negative.  We were then asked to relive the conversation in our head.  Next time round we had to go through the conversation again but put ourselves into the shoes of the other person.  We then went through it again but this time we were a third party observer.  The point of this exercise was to get you thinking about what we say and the impact that our words can have on others and to think about how you would feel if someone said what you are going to say to you.

As a mother I continue to, try and, apply this.  In the heat of the moment it is easy to forget!  Perhaps next time you have a day when you feel like you are at odds with your children or the world, reflect on what you have said and whether you could have used different words to ease your path through the world.

Perfection

We strive in our lives to make things perfect.  You only have to open certain magazines or newspapers and read the articles or look at the adverts that show us how others think we should be living our lives.  Do we really want our homes and ourselves to look that?  Is that really what we want or is it what we think we want?

We want our houses to be tidy and clean most, if not all, of the time.  Is this practical and achievable if you have children.  Why is this important to so many of us, where does this pressure come from.  If we are sitting with our children reading to them or playing a game with them, but all the time thinking I really should be doing x or y, we are so distracted that we are not present with our children.  Not only are we not doing x or y we are are also not giving our time to our children either.

It is important to consider what our priorities need to be.  Do we want our house to always be clean and tidy, do we want to spend the maximum time possible being present with our children, do we want to always cook every meal from scratch. do we want only shop for food once a week etc.  It is much easier to achieve our goals if we decide what they should be and them aim for them, however it is also vital to be realistic.  There is no point having a list of goals that is not achievable, simply because there are too many on the list.

As a mother we have many pulls on our time.   I remember a time when I would spend the day doing things with my children but I wasn't present with them and they knew it.  I was thinking about all the things I could or should be doing.  And is not just about all the jobs in the house that need doing, it is also about us, as people, being able to do stuff for ourselves.  Often as a Mother your me time is drastically reduced or non-existent unless you want to stay up late or get up mega early and as result be sleep deprived too.  Or I suppose you could just spend the day ignoring your children.

After the birth of my youngest child I bemoaned the loss of my me time (I had just started to get it back after the first).  I resented the fact that it had gone, and that everyone in the house (including my husband) could do what they wanted when they wanted except me.  I soon realised that such resentment was destructive it was affecting my relationship with my children and my husband.  It was time for me re-evaluate what was important, what were my priorities.  My me time would have to be put on hold for a short while, it would not be that long in the bigger scheme of things .  I also decided that I needed to be present for my children as much as possible.  It was important to me that I could spend time cooking meals from scratch and allow time to plan a week of meals, put together a shopping list of the ingredients and shop once a week for everything we will need for those meals (and anything else we needed from the local town).  I no longer have the daily dilemma at some point in the day of what are we going to have for tea tonight.

My house is less tidy, it gets cleaned less often (apart from the kitchen counters) the hoover is only out sporadically, but I think my house is a calmer place for it.  I have more balance in my life.

Change

When we experience change in our life, if we have no control over it, it can be very unsettling.  In my last job during the final year of working there the culture of the organisation was changing in a direction that was not one that I could reconcile with.  I found this so unsettling and started to look around, unsuccessfully, for another job (I then got pregnant so the dilemma was solved for me).   It saddened me that when I finally left a job that I had so enjoyed, I was glad to walk away.

As adults if we make changes in our lives, such as moving house, we have control, we know that they are going to happen and can prepare ourselves.

Our children rarely have control over change.  It is more often than not imposed on them.  Many a time I have heard parents say 'children can cope with anything, they'll be alright' if they are about to put their children through a major change in their lives.  Yes they probably will be alright, but only if they receive the support that they need to help them to make sense of it.  If we are not there to listen to them and see their behaviour as challenging, wearing and inflexible we are setting ourselves up to be challenged and worn down by our own inflexibility.  Our own inflexibility?  Yes, to being able to see that there is another way of looking at the change, through the eyes of our child, which will be totally different to our own way of looking at it.   We all need time to absorb and make peace with changes, we all need to be able to do this at our own pace.