Lessons from a Blackbird

When I open my curtains of a morning I love to spend a few moments soaking up the view and trying to work out from the sky what the weather might do that day.  One recent morning, whilst soaking up the view, a juvenile blackbird landed on the wire outside my window.  It was wobbling all over the place but rather than flying off it stayed there wobbling back and forth until it eventually found stillness.  I found myself silently shouting encouragement and then jubilation when it achieved it.  I was rooting for that bird, I admired its tenacity and its focus.  

It felt like a good start to the day.  

My life has got very busy again in the past few months, I loved the quiet and stillness that lockdowns gave me.  I vowed that I would try and keep that stillness in my life even when more things were possible again.  These past few weeks I have not managed that very well, my resting time has been slowly swallowed up by busyness.  The attrition of this has been difficult for me.  I value rest now in ways that I haven't before.

When I am busy, things usually go one of two ways for me.  I become paralysed by all that I need to do and don't end up doing very much at all or I become really focused on getting things done so that my rest time can have some space too.  Often the former also means that I end up telling myself that I don't have the time anyway as, in my head everything takes longer than in reality it actually takes.  

So often in the past few weeks I have had to do something because it has got to the point that it is the most urgent of all the urgent things that need doing.  I am telling myself I won't have the time but I have to find a way to make it work as it needs to be done now, it cannot wait.  Then surprise, surprise it doesn't take that long.  I have built it up to something unachievable and that has got in the way of me being able to get started and that becomes my focus rather than what I need to be doing.  

I am getting better at this, slowly, it is a work in progress. Over time I noticed that there were times when I found this easier, realising that, I then noticed that there was a pattern, for me this is in tune with the lunar cycles.  A busy life around the time of the full moon is much much harder for me than around the new moon.  

I am working on trying to be aware of this and attempting to keep my life quieter around the time of full moon.

What we focus on is not always a choice we can make, especially if we are mothers and our children are young.  It is one the hardest parts of early motherhood the loss of that autonomy, others always come first. As our children get older it is all too easy to stay in that rut and forget that you can have some of that autonomy back.  I know that it took me a while to realise that for myself.  My children are older now, they can and do wait for me to be there to support them in ways that they need.  It has been hard for me to ask them to do that but I don't think it is helpful for them or for me to always be at their beck and call, unless it is an emergency.  

The things I need to do are important too, I need to keep reminding myself that they should be a priority too.

When things get difficult or tough going it often feels like the easiest option is to give up and walk away, or to ignore things in the vain hope that they will go away.  There are occasions when things do resolve themselves in that way but it is rare so usually the time needs to be found to get things done.  I am under no illusion that one day my life will be a bed of roses, easy and carefree without a worry in sight.  I am not sure that I would want my life to be like that all the time.  I don't buy into the idea that we should look for the positive in everything to deal with negative thoughts and feelings, the things that are hard.  I am not convinced that is terribly healthy or helpful.  There are things in life that are hard.  Dealing with things that are hard, helps us to build resilience and gives us the skills to deal with similar things when we come across them again.

Reflecting on those hard things is as important as dealing with them.  A pause afterwards to regroup and recharge ourselves so that we are ready to deal with the next thing.  Perhaps you are thinking that would be lovely but my life is too full for that, I am running after the bus that I cannot quite catch all the time. Are you really allowing time for a pause, to recharge you, what are filling those spaces, can those things wait?  

Unpacking the clutter in our heads is hard.

When I watched that young blackbird at the start of my day, it was a busy one full of things that needed to be done urgently.  Every time it felt like it was all too much the bird came into my mind swinging back and forth on that line trying to find the stillness, not giving up when it was hard to find that.  

That is what we are looking for too isn't it, those moments of stillness that are there for us in between the times of focus.  In the busyness we can loose them, not pausing because that can be hard too.

Friendship

Way back in the Seventies, when I was a child, I made a friend.  Our lives were intertwined by school and similar interests.  In our twenties as we tried to work out who we were I disappeared into the countryside to work and live in a tent* whilst my friend immersed herself in the London club culture working for a record label.  Our lives couldn't have been more different then and now but through it all we have remained friends.

We became pregnant with our second children at the same time, due a few weeks apart.  I knew when I did not hear anything for several weeks after my daughter was born that something was terribly wrong.  I reached out to the silence and was devastated that her baby had died during delivery.  We talked often on the phone, I have no idea how she got through that time.

Late last year she moved from London, her home for over twenty years, to a remote (by UK standards) farmhouse and a few weeks ago we went to visit.  We talk on the phone a lot but have spent little time in each others company since becoming mothers, one or two days a year at most.  Our last visit was for four days.

After I left I reflected.  I became aware during my visit that there was a gentle shift, almost imperceptible.  My presence, my words were giving cause for irritation.  The words were edgy and a touch hurtful.  Sadly, I couldn't wait to leave,  I always want to retreat when words become hurtful.

My reflections led me into confusion.  I realised that the differences in our lives had created a gulf that until now we had managed to bridge, could we carry on.  Had I touched a nerve, a deep seated, unrecognised unhappiness.  To walk away now could be unkind.

It is easy, isn't it to view a friendship through the rose tinted glasses of the past.  We hang on to those long ago memories of time shared, but are they enough to sustain a relationship.  Some don't last the passage of time, as we grow, move on and change, they are left and new ones are built in their place.

My life is simple, uncomplicated.  I am happy and content, I sleep well at night.  But I don't stand in judgement of those that live differently to me, even if they are tired and unhappy.  Perhaps the best thing is to be there, steadfast, like the joke that Cameron told me this week:

What kind of ship doesn't sink?

Friendship

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* I did spend February to September for two years living in a tent