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09 February 2022

Living with uncertainty

Last week I felt like all the balls I juggle to keep our lives running smoothly were becoming more and more difficult to keep in the air.  I had a lot to think about in that particular week and I know that was taking up a lot of headspace.  But I couldn't shake that feeling that in the past having the extra things that I was thinking about last week would not have made me feel like I was struggling to juggle life.

I don't know about you but back in March 2020 I thought in the initial weeks and months that there would be a time, in the not too distant future, when we would be able to go back to business as usual, life would return to the rhythms and routines that was so familiar and comforting.  It took me a long time to accept, to really accept that that was really not going to happen any time soon.  

Our new normal is now about always feeling off balance, like trying to stand in a dingy in rough seas, and not knowing when the storm will pass.

The future is always an uncertain place isn't it?  We never know exactly what it is going to hold for us but, we can usually make a guess and, there is a certain amount of predictability because, for the most part we have some control.  We have had to learn to adjust to an ever changing situation where the new normal is indefinite uncertainty.  

We can't change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust the sails.  

But even if we stop resisting and fighting current realities there is no getting away from the fact that that constantly slightly off balance feeling that we have had for the past nearly two years must be having some effect on us.  An effect that is not visible like the damage a hurricane or tornado would wreck as it flies past where you can look outside and see it.   The destruction is, for most people, invisible and ongoing.  

Inside of us all.  

Dealing with something that we cannot see is not easy. particularly as we are all feeling it in our own way.  The effects have been cumulative, a slow build of layers over the past two years, it has been a new experience for us all making it so much harder to work out what to do, to find the words to talk about it with others and the effect that it is having on us.  It is really normal in a situation of great uncertainty, and the resulting stress, to get exhausted, to feel ups and downs, to feel like you're depleted or experience periods of burn out.  A situation that might create these feelings for you might last a week or a few months, it is unlikely to last a full two years.  If you are feeling worn out, unsettled all the time, tired and cannot work out why, this could be the reason.

I am someone who likes to have a routine, not a strict one but I do like it when my weeks have an element of predictability, of knowing how each day of the week is likely to unfold.  I love to get things done, that feeling of completion even for the every day tasks like folding the laundry.  So when I read that if you are the type of person who thrives on these things the harder you will be finding life right now, it was like a missing piece of the puzzle.  Life will be harder because so many of the things I thrive on no longer have that certainty, there is always the possibility they could be cancelled.  It is easy to feel that everything is hopeless and constantly dealing with that hopelessness is exhausting too, even if you manage to be ok with it, it is hard work.

Our culture is rooted in finding solutions to problems which is a good way of thinking for many things, but the current situation we all find ourselves in has no solution or not one that is easy to define and give shape to.  This is a loss of a way of life, whatever that looks like for you.  Those things that we are attached to, that we place importance on in our lives, that we are fond of have gone or are full of uncertainties.  This is lost is not tangible, it is hard to describe, it has an ambiguity to it.  When our loss is tangible we would grieve, what about when it is ambiguous?  We can grieve for that too, it is ok to be feeling grief over those parts of your life that are no longer possible or have become so incredibly complicated and difficult that you no longer have the energy to make them happen.

We all have our own ways of dealing with loss, with grief, that are deeply personal to us and that is really important.  There is no right or wrong way.  But sometimes we don't realise that grief is what we are feeling and then we wonder why we are struggling, why we are constantly feeling off balance.  Allow yourself time to grieve, to reach acceptance of those parts of your life that you can no longer embrace and include.  It is hard.  

This time for us all is hard, so hard.

If any of these words have resonated with you, be kind to yourself,  it is ok to be feeling that life is hard, find the time to do those things that nourish you, sustain you. Life is not all about rushing, we need to look after ourselves to enable us to care for others.  If you don't have lots of time, as that is now where you life is at right now, use five minutes to savour every mouthful of a cup of tea or something that will give you a pause, a rest.  

Make time for rest.

23 comments:

  1. I don't think any of us really understood what an impact the virus would have on our lives back at the beginning of 2020. Although life seems to be going back to 'normal' in some ways, it's not going to be as it was before, as you say, there's uncertainty as the virus is still affecting so many lives and it's still impacting on day to day living. It makes me wonder what our new 'normal' is going to be.

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    1. You are so right Jo that life is not going to be as it was before and yet there is still no certainty over what it might look like.

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  2. Goodness, this post captured me from beginning to end. I feel so much of it, deeply. I want to quote parts, but there are so many of your words that resonate.

    The changes in the last two years have affected our life of freely wandering dramatically (several reasons, not just the pandemic) and that is a very real grief, on top of the other grief I am currently experiencing. And yet, your line: "sometimes we don't realise that grief is what we are feeling and then we wonder why we are struggling, why we are constantly feeling off balance" really hits home because until recently I kept saying, "But why am I feeling like this? Why do I have pain? Why do I not want to do anything? Why is my hair falling out?" only to begin to recognise that it is indeed grief—on many levels.

    Thank you for this post. I hope you are being kind to yourself too. Glad to have found your blog.

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    1. Welcome! Thank you for visiting and leaving a comment. I am so glad to hear that my words have resonated with you. I am so sorry to hear how the last two years have been for you. It sounds like it has been a really difficult period for you. I hope that the grief that you have been holding onto without realising that is what it was is able to be released in ways that you need it to.

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    2. "Yes" to absolutely everything both you and Alice have said. I wish I was so articulate.

      Thank you both, xx

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  3. I have reached the end of my patience with everything here. I continue to follow recommendations but I am weary and wish to resume my regular life without restrictions. I know I am not the only one who thinks about this. This is the main reason we moved near my sister because of how isolated we felt in our previous town with no family and no 'bubble' to social with.

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    1. Weary, yes Karen that is another good word to describe how we feel right now, thank you. We know we need to do what is asked of us for ourselves and wider society but it is wearing after a while. I am sorry to hear how isolated you were in your previous home, that must have been incredibly hard. I hope that moving to be near your sister has changed that for you.

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  4. Oh, yes. Your words resonate with me to a great degree. Like you, I initially expected our time "on hold" would be . . . short and much more effective at bringing back "normalcy." Now that it's dragged on for so long, it's really clear that much there is so much more "damage" (to us personally, to our communities, to society as a whole) than I ever could have imagined. Expressing ourselves (as you've done so beautifully in your post) is key to coming to terms with our losses, and placing a stake in the ground for our futures. Thank you. XO

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    1. Thank you Kym, expressing ourselves is so important at this time. Speaking about what is going on for us and, equally important, being heard too is vital for our well being and our continued healing, as we come to terms with what has gone on for us all over the past two years.

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  5. This is beautifully and compassionately written - thank you. I often found myself asking 'what's wrong with me?' or 'why aren't I managing this, it's so simple?' -- and other, rather unkind things. But now I'm trying to offer myself some self-compassion...and lots of time for quiet reflection. Mostly, I'm learning to be okay with how I feel now, allowing it all and not criticizing myself for not feeling as capable as I used to be -- radical acceptance has become something of a mantra in this house! xo

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    1. Lovely to hear from you, thank you for visiting and leaving a comment. Why aren't I managing this, its so simple - this is so true and is what I was feeling last week until I took that step back and cut myself some slack. We absolutely do need to give ourselves some self compassion, you are so right, we are able to give this out to others but it is so much harder to do this for ourselves. I love the term radical acceptance, that is what we need to do sometimes isn't it? I love that is a mantra in your house.

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  6. Yes, yes, yes.
    "Our new normal is now about always feeling off balance, like trying to stand in a dingy in rough seas, and not knowing when the storm will pass."
    And then sometimes I catch myself thinking this is normal and why am I struggling so much. But life is still, mostly, not normal. And it's hard.

    You know I love to "joyfind" but I'm also all about recognizing and discussing the hard.

    This post was great and I will be adding a link in my Casual Friday post because I think everyone needs to hear these words, on repeat, until the storm passes by. Although, honestly, life is full of storms and I think we just need to hear these words on repeat forever so we learn to accept that things feel hard and that doesn't make us incompetent or that we're doing anything wrong.

    "We have had to learn to adjust to an ever changing situation where the new normal is indefinite uncertainty."

    "When our loss is tangible we would grieve, what about when it is ambiguous? We can grieve for that too, it is ok to be feeling grief over those parts of your life that are no longer possible or have become so incredibly complicated and difficult that you no longer have the energy to make them happen."

    You're so right. It IS ambiguous now. We all know that things don't feel "good" but it can be hard to identify exactly what it is in this current environment of living that feels so very off-kilter.

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    1. Thank you so much for your lovely words Elizabeth. I am so glad to hear that you found them nourishing and supportive. You are so right that life is hard, it throws things at us that are challenging and tough all the time but when we add on what has been going on for the last two years it does make things harder still. You are also right that this words would be nourishing for us at any point that life is hard in the future, when we have to weather those storms that are thrown at us from time to time.

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  7. I think it is really important to admit that things are hard when we feel they are - it's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of self-care. This is a really important post - thank you for sharing.
    Best wishes
    Ellie

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    1. You are so welcome Ellie. We most definitely do have a culture of admitting that things are hard is a sign of weakness when it is so not, I love that you reframe that to is a sign of self-care. That is so true, thank you, I will hold onto those words.

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  8. What an enlightening post. It certainly resonates with me. Today I was having lunch with a friend and we both admitted to feeling lethargic and finding repetitive tasks difficult to complete. This post sheds so much light on our predicament! Thank you.xxx

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    1. Thank you, I am so glad that my words have helped you in some small way. I do hope that you begin to feel a little different about why you are finding so parts of your life hard right now.

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  9. Was writing a long reply when it suddenly disappeared. Ah well. I think these times are less troublesome where I am because it's just so unpopulated, with less than 60 people per square mile--and probably only 20 within a square mile of my home. I thought from the get-go this would be a long-term change and began adapting my ways accordingly. Yes, I regret the freedoms we used to take so for granted, but I try to look ahead, and especially to be grateful that most of those I know and love have has but little trouble with this virus. The little things in life have become far more important and appreciated, surely one good outcome of these weird times. Sending hugs, my friend--virtually so you won't even need a mask, LOL.

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    1. I am really sorry to hear that your reply disappeared, that is so frustrating when that happens isn't it. I am so glad to hear that you have found ways to adapt your lives for the better during this past two years. You are so right that the little things in life have become more important, there are many lessons I have learnt which I have continued to keep, for which I am grateful. Thank you for the hug it is much appreciated.

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  10. Such a lovely heartfelt post - I can empathise with how you feel -when I was diagnosed with cancer I had to accept that life would be different - I did not know if the treatment would work and with each course of treatments I had to have 3 months at a time off work over 4 years. Just as I got myself back into work I would be off again, it was so unsettling yet I felt I should be grateful as I was alive. The pandemic reminds me of that period of my life when I just had to live day to day and not allow myself to think any further than the end of the week. It is so very hard to live in a state of limbo for very long, I think what we need most of all, perhaps more than normalality is a feeling of stability. There are so many issue going on in the country at the moment with the pandemic, Brexit, NHS problems, rising prices, the energy crisis, levelling up, climate change and what seems like quite an unstable government - all quite major issues to resolve and I think many of these are reflected in our own lives as we battle to keep ourselves free of the Covid, get a hospital appointment, make ends meet, do our bit to reduce our carbon footprint etc. Your well written post will resonate with most people and taking time to grieve for a previous way of life that will never come again is so important. I still grieve for the 50's,60's and 70's when I grew up - a slower pace of living before all the technology invaded us and although the technology can be very useful I feel we have lost the togetherness of family time along the way that we will never see again. I hope you find some balance in your life to help you through I really need to find a way to slow my life down but with an aging mum and two working daughters with young children who all need a bit of help my time for myself often seems to evaporate.

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    1. Lovely to hear from you. You are so right that we are living in a state of limbo, that is a really good way of describing things. You are also right that we need stability, yes that is what we need the normality is the stability. We do indeed have so many other things going on, taking up that headspace that is already fairly full. They are all issues that can have a major effect on us and are reflected back by those that COVID has given us. We are a social species so the separation and isolation has also had a massive impact on us all in ways that I did not go into in this post but they are part of what we are all feeling now too.

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  11. Good writing especially appreciated pp3. And as you so quite rightly say, we are fighting something tbat we can not see! I'm not blog marketing but poemblog29.blogspot.com has just gone live. Toodles, Marky.

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  12. Dear SM, your post does resonate. It has been a bonkers two years. I think I am specifically struggling with the pace 'picking up' again, whilst everything's still in constant flux. You are absolutely right, it is so important to be kind to oneself, and those around. Lulu x

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