Living with uncertainty

Last week I felt like all the balls I juggle to keep our lives running smoothly were becoming more and more difficult to keep in the air.  I had a lot to think about in that particular week and I know that was taking up a lot of headspace.  But I couldn't shake that feeling that in the past having the extra things that I was thinking about last week would not have made me feel like I was struggling to juggle life.

I don't know about you but back in March 2020 I thought in the initial weeks and months that there would be a time, in the not too distant future, when we would be able to go back to business as usual, life would return to the rhythms and routines that was so familiar and comforting.  It took me a long time to accept, to really accept that that was really not going to happen any time soon.  

Our new normal is now about always feeling off balance, like trying to stand in a dingy in rough seas, and not knowing when the storm will pass.

The future is always an uncertain place isn't it?  We never know exactly what it is going to hold for us but, we can usually make a guess and, there is a certain amount of predictability because, for the most part we have some control.  We have had to learn to adjust to an ever changing situation where the new normal is indefinite uncertainty.  

We can't change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust the sails.  

But even if we stop resisting and fighting current realities there is no getting away from the fact that that constantly slightly off balance feeling that we have had for the past nearly two years must be having some effect on us.  An effect that is not visible like the damage a hurricane or tornado would wreck as it flies past where you can look outside and see it.   The destruction is, for most people, invisible and ongoing.  

Inside of us all.  

Dealing with something that we cannot see is not easy. particularly as we are all feeling it in our own way.  The effects have been cumulative, a slow build of layers over the past two years, it has been a new experience for us all making it so much harder to work out what to do, to find the words to talk about it with others and the effect that it is having on us.  It is really normal in a situation of great uncertainty, and the resulting stress, to get exhausted, to feel ups and downs, to feel like you're depleted or experience periods of burn out.  A situation that might create these feelings for you might last a week or a few months, it is unlikely to last a full two years.  If you are feeling worn out, unsettled all the time, tired and cannot work out why, this could be the reason.

I am someone who likes to have a routine, not a strict one but I do like it when my weeks have an element of predictability, of knowing how each day of the week is likely to unfold.  I love to get things done, that feeling of completion even for the every day tasks like folding the laundry.  So when I read that if you are the type of person who thrives on these things the harder you will be finding life right now, it was like a missing piece of the puzzle.  Life will be harder because so many of the things I thrive on no longer have that certainty, there is always the possibility they could be cancelled.  It is easy to feel that everything is hopeless and constantly dealing with that hopelessness is exhausting too, even if you manage to be ok with it, it is hard work.

Our culture is rooted in finding solutions to problems which is a good way of thinking for many things, but the current situation we all find ourselves in has no solution or not one that is easy to define and give shape to.  This is a loss of a way of life, whatever that looks like for you.  Those things that we are attached to, that we place importance on in our lives, that we are fond of have gone or are full of uncertainties.  This is lost is not tangible, it is hard to describe, it has an ambiguity to it.  When our loss is tangible we would grieve, what about when it is ambiguous?  We can grieve for that too, it is ok to be feeling grief over those parts of your life that are no longer possible or have become so incredibly complicated and difficult that you no longer have the energy to make them happen.

We all have our own ways of dealing with loss, with grief, that are deeply personal to us and that is really important.  There is no right or wrong way.  But sometimes we don't realise that grief is what we are feeling and then we wonder why we are struggling, why we are constantly feeling off balance.  Allow yourself time to grieve, to reach acceptance of those parts of your life that you can no longer embrace and include.  It is hard.  

This time for us all is hard, so hard.

If any of these words have resonated with you, be kind to yourself,  it is ok to be feeling that life is hard, find the time to do those things that nourish you, sustain you. Life is not all about rushing, we need to look after ourselves to enable us to care for others.  If you don't have lots of time, as that is now where you life is at right now, use five minutes to savour every mouthful of a cup of tea or something that will give you a pause, a rest.  

Make time for rest.