Circling Back

I had thought that it was more than a year since I had been in this space, in my head it was more like two.  Whilst recently exploring the rabbit hole that is Ravelry I noted that the last post was a tribute to my eldest who had then just turned sixteen.  One whole year felt like an ok amount of time to return, once again, to see if I can keep this space going.  The reasons that I drifted away a year ago have got lost in the mists of time, I suspect there were, as always, other pulls on my time.

I have, since glancing at my blog via Ravelry, started writing posts in my head, do you do that too or is just me? 

The soundtrack of my year has been punctuated with so much to think about and do, none of it onerous, all of it the ebb and flow of where the tide is for my family.  Big changes have existed alongside the everyday, the perfect harmony of yin and yang.  

That feeling that your world has stopped but everyone else's has carried on, interwoven with moments to treasure. Unsteady moments of sadness juxtaposed with happier times.  

We are three months into a new direction with eldest at college, dipping a toe into structured education for the first time.  It left a big hole for Alice and I after twelve years of having them both at home, all of Alice's life.  We found ourselves wandering the house like lost souls, cast adrift like a boat with no anchor wondering where our lives would go now, just the two of us.  We are finding our way, taking it slowly as is our way.  He is loving his course, film and photography, learning new things which he brings home and shares.  I look at my boy, so confident and content, I am glad we did things the way we did for all those years.  He was ready for this.

As I sit here writing this I can hear subtle noises through the wall, sounds that should be comforting but are wrapped in sadness.  Our neighbour of eighteen years passed away in October, he was part of our family it took me weeks to accept he had gone.  His children have been painstakingly clearing his house boxing up the lives of their father and their childhood, the noises I can hear are them.  The deafening silence through the wall is swallowed up in the hole that his passing has left in our lives.  We will get new neighbours, eventually, he was the last to move into our small terrace of five houses, that change too big to comprehend right now.

It is snowing here right now, the wind is howling, not the temperatures we had this summer which was wonderfully glorious and filled with family adventures.  Taller, stronger children meant that we could go out in the hills that surround our home with a rucksack, a few provisions and find stillness and silence away from the crowds that descended on my beautiful county.  We also threw swimming stuff in and fitted in many tarns and river swims to cool off along the way.  I love these times, when you are not watching the clock.   Camping miles from anyone, nestled in the hills, slowly watching the sun descend, what more could you ask for on a summer evening?

And now 2021 is drawing to a close.  Advent has started, I have made no preparations this year, yet.  It has arrived without me giving it any thought, the boat, it would seem, is still adrift.  Drifting amongst a life which is more in the present and going with the flow.