Circling Back

04 December 2021

I had thought that it was more than a year since I had been in this space, in my head it was more like two.  Whilst recently exploring the rabbit hole that is Ravelry I noted that the last post was a tribute to my eldest who had then just turned sixteen.  One whole year felt like an ok amount of time to return, once again, to see if I can keep this space going.  The reasons that I drifted away a year ago have got lost in the mists of time, I suspect there were, as always, other pulls on my time.

I have, since glancing at my blog via Ravelry, started writing posts in my head, do you do that too or is just me? 

The soundtrack of my year has been punctuated with so much to think about and do, none of it onerous, all of it the ebb and flow of where the tide is for my family.  Big changes have existed alongside the everyday, the perfect harmony of yin and yang.  

That feeling that your world has stopped but everyone else's has carried on, interwoven with moments to treasure. Unsteady moments of sadness juxtaposed with happier times.  

We are three months into a new direction with eldest at college, dipping a toe into structured education for the first time.  It left a big hole for Alice and I after twelve years of having them both at home, all of Alice's life.  We found ourselves wandering the house like lost souls, cast adrift like a boat with no anchor wondering where our lives would go now, just the two of us.  We are finding our way, taking it slowly as is our way.  He is loving his course, film and photography, learning new things which he brings home and shares.  I look at my boy, so confident and content, I am glad we did things the way we did for all those years.  He was ready for this.

As I sit here writing this I can hear subtle noises through the wall, sounds that should be comforting but are wrapped in sadness.  Our neighbour of eighteen years passed away in October, he was part of our family it took me weeks to accept he had gone.  His children have been painstakingly clearing his house boxing up the lives of their father and their childhood, the noises I can hear are them.  The deafening silence through the wall is swallowed up in the hole that his passing has left in our lives.  We will get new neighbours, eventually, he was the last to move into our small terrace of five houses, that change too big to comprehend right now.

It is snowing here right now, the wind is howling, not the temperatures we had this summer which was wonderfully glorious and filled with family adventures.  Taller, stronger children meant that we could go out in the hills that surround our home with a rucksack, a few provisions and find stillness and silence away from the crowds that descended on my beautiful county.  We also threw swimming stuff in and fitted in many tarns and river swims to cool off along the way.  I love these times, when you are not watching the clock.   Camping miles from anyone, nestled in the hills, slowly watching the sun descend, what more could you ask for on a summer evening?

And now 2021 is drawing to a close.  Advent has started, I have made no preparations this year, yet.  It has arrived without me giving it any thought, the boat, it would seem, is still adrift.  Drifting amongst a life which is more in the present and going with the flow. 

14 comments:

  1. As always such beautiful words - I'm so sorry to read about your neighbour, I know he meant a great deal to you all especially with family not so near. Glad that C is enjoying his time at college and that you and A are slowly finding a new rhythm, sending hugs to you xx

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    1. Aw, thank you for your kind words. Thank you for remembering about my neighbour too, that means so much to me.

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  2. Welcome back, you were missed. xx

    I am so sorry to read of the passing of your dear friend. When my 92 y/old neighbour moved on it left a massive hole which is still not filled. He was the grandfather I never had. Lovely people like that can never be replaced, we can only be thankful they were part of our lives for a while. xx

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    1. Thank you Jayne, so lovely of you. You are so right that they can never be replaced and I am immensely thankful and feel so privileged to have been able to spend so long living next door to him.

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  3. Hello again, how sad about your neighbour it is hard to fill these holes once they appear. How lovely to witness your children blossoming and becoming their own person.

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    1. Thank you, it is indeed going to be a hard hole to fill. In many ways I am glad it is taking so long to sort the house as it is giving me time to come to terms with it all.

      Being a parent is one of the most amazing jobs you could ever have.

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  4. Lovely to see you blogging again. I'm sorry to hear about the death of your neighbour. We live in such close proximity to people that they do become like family to us and therefore, it hits us hard when anything happens to them.

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    1. Thank you Jo. We do indeed live so close to people. I used to love the hours we would spend chatting over the garden fence hanging our washing out. I was so touch when his son mentioned to him on several occasions that they made his day when he got to do that. It is those seemingly insignificant moments that are so precious.

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  5. isn't it weird when the go off to college? I thought so as well. Sounds like you are adjusting the new normal. So glad you are writing again.

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    1. It is very strange, you are right Karen. It took some time to get used to it. Thank you for your kind words x

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  6. How wonderful to see your post. So glad to read that you are well and that your oldest is enjoying his college course. It must be quite some change for him to go into college but of course you prepared him well to face this new challenge. I hope you and Alice find a new daily rhythm that works for you well. Cx

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    1. Thank you Christina, such kind and thoughtful words which are much appreciated x

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  7. Lovely to have you back. It's lovely hearing how much your son is enjoying college although I get how much you and Alice must miss him. So sorry to hear of your neighbour's passing.xxx

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    1. Thank you so much. It is bittersweet, my eldest going to college, I am so happy for him and miss him too x

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