Reeling

Friends, true friends, are hard to make.  But, with the way many of us live now, they are more important than family who are often spread out across the country or continents.  In the period between leaving my childhood home and settling in my own home, I moved many times.  I worked in live in jobs with up to sixty people, I was a student, I had the time of my life, but friends came and went I kept in touch with some but not many, as we drifted apart and our lives moved on.  Since starting to home educate I have met some wonderful and interesting people they have become very important to me, especially this week.

Finding out that someone no longer wishes to be part of your life, as happened to me in this past week, can be hard to understand.  I have wondered if I am not easy to talk to, that I have a closed mind, that my opinions are too strong to counter.  I have felt angry, sad, confused, baffled, worried, anxious, rejected and happy.  I have been reflecting and thinking.  If I come across opinionated and not easy to talk to that is not what I am trying to be and I work hard not to be.  I try to be careful with my words, to show respect.  What I have come to realise, this week, is that whilst that is important I also need to remember that what I say and do in the company of friends will be perceived and interpreted by them in their own way.  That way will be through their own experiences in life, we can never know truly how another person is thinking or what they are feeling in any situation.

When I joined some friends this week for an activity at one of their houses, I was filled with trepidation.  I was nervous, my foundations were feeling shaken.  I was worried that I would sit there watching everyone having a good time thinking how can you after what I have been through.  I thought I would feel rejected.  How wrong I was.  I was running a little late and was the last to arrive.  Everyone was pleased to see me and welcomed me with quite obvious delight, it was very clear to me that this was genuine.  I could not have ever hoped for a better reception.  I had a wonderful afternoon, the best in a long time.  We all did an activity together, we cleared up the house together, then we sat and talked and laughed together.  It was, for me, a beautiful healing.

I am ready to move on.  My emotions have stopped dancing.  I have learnt so much from this experience.  I am stronger.  I live to face another day.