My youngest had a birthday party this week it left me exhausted, I kept it simple with a few friends, some games and a buffet style birthday tea. Most of the time the children were playing and I sat chatting to the mums who came too. I couldn't really understand why all of that would leave me feeling so utterly drained and exhausted.
My life is simple, I like it that way. I make one arrangement per day, if that. I don't rush around from one appointment to another. I cancel things if I feel I have taken on too much. I am happily married, have two lovely children, live in a wonderful area and love my wee house. I don't want for much.
There is a blurring, as if someone has taken my sight and unfocused it like a pair of binoculars that I cannot quite work out how to operate. When something happens to someone you hold dear that you cannot comprehend, that you have no experience of, how do you offer support. I feel like a duck trying to walk across an icy pond without slipping over.
In a time of crisis it is wonderful to feel supported and loved. You know who your friends are, the ones who rally round and are there for you. I am reaching out but there is silence, a silence which is sad but not unexpected. The silence is for safety. The colour is grey or at best monochrome. The wall is high and wide with no way round. The future is a terrifying place. The world has stopped, mine hasn't but it looks different.
It is not a party that has exhausted me but my comprehension of words that I have listened to. How could I have not noticed, did I offer enough support in the past, could I have done more, is that important now. You cannot undo what has happened in the past but it frames who we are and how we behave. Our experiences mold us. Our future and present is in our power. Well it is in my power but I cannot begin to comprehend a future out of my power. I can think but I cannot understand. There are many people in the world who live their lives in fear, I am immensely grateful that I am not one of them.